All the Books

I read a vast array of books this year.  Most of them I really enjoyed.  A few were meh.  Here is my list:

• Little Bee​ Chris Cleave
• Maus I & II​ Art Spiegelman
• Mercy​ Jodi Picoult
• Eleanor & Park​ Rainbow Rowell
• The Martian​ Andy Weir
• Nectar in a Sieve​ Kamala Markandaya
• Cinder Marissa Meyer
• Scarlet Marissa Meyer
• Cress​ Marissa Meyer
• Everything I Never Told You​ Celeste Ng
• Six Characters in Search of an Author Luigi Pirandello
• Winter​ Marissa Meyer
• Home: a Memoir of My Early Years Julie Andrews
• Tell the Wolves I'm Home​ Carol Rifka Brunt
• Fairest​ Marissa Meyer
• The Art of Racing in the Rain Garth Stein (reread)
• Me Before You​ Jojo Moyes
• Everland Wendy Spinale
• Unbroken ​ Laura Hillenbrand
• My Lady Jane Cynthia Hand, Brodi Ashton, and Jodi Meadows
• PS I Like You​ Kasie West
• Love in the Time of Cholera Gabriel García Márquez
• Fangirl​ Rainbow Rowell
• The CAP Equation, A Foolproof Formula for Success in Sales Jay Buzzello

A total of 24 novels and 1 book on sales.  Many of them are young adult fiction, some tested my soul and some strengthened my love of reading beyond measure.  I am not sure I can pick a favorite of the year, but I really enjoyed the Lunar Chronicles series and Tell the Wolves I'm Home.

Books bring me joy and center my life to be a bit more grounded.  My reading subsided in the last few months with the hectic nature of a new career, but I am back and there will be more reading, because I love it.

Finding Me One Book at a Time

I have always loved to read.  I love to read more than most other things.  I would actually choose reading over practically anything else in the world.  Reading brightens your soul and opens your mind.

I have already read three novels, this year, just for the fun of it.  I have also been reading for school.  I am on my second novel of the year for that as well.

Literature allows me to escape from my world.  It gives me the opportunity to explore other places, cultures, and times.  Mostly it allows me to turn off my brain to the outside world and the endless details in my mind.

Reading helps me remain calm.  I am in control of who I am and the world around me, as I read.

Escaping My World

Some days feel an eternity long.  Some mornings appear to pass in the blink of an eye.  This morning I arrived to work about the same time as always.  I began to prep for class and the next thing I realized it was almost time for my first group of students to walk in and I was no where near ready for them.

I don't know how some days seem to drag on forever while others pass in a moment.  The things I find most disconcerting is when the day begins in a whirlwind and then slows down a couple hours later, to pass at the slowest rate possible.  The mysteries of time will probably forever vex my mind.

Yet while I am dwelling and seemingly inconsistency of the time space continuum, I am left to day dream about escaping the worlds that being me warmth and comfort.  I long to sit and absorb myself in another's problems and issues.  I want to escape that which is around me always and delve into the unknown.

Is there a way I could simply stay home and read books all day every day?  Will somebody pay me to do this?  or really simply pay my student loans while I read?  Either way I desire to escape the mundane and live in a world of fiction.

Books of 2015

I read a lot.  I have to re-read a lot for my job though.  In 2015 I read 17 novels.  Some were for school and required annotating (marked with an *).

Here is the list of books I read during the course of 2015:

• The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn Mark Twain*
• Heart of Darkness Joseph Conrad*
• Night Circus Erin Morgenstern
• Go Set a Watchman Harper Lee
• Storyteller Jodi Picoult
• Lone Wolf Jodi Picoult
• The Things They Carried Tim O'Brien*
• Still Alice Lisa Genova
• Wild Cheryl Strayed
• Why Not Me Mindy Kaling
• Nectar in a Sieve Kamala Markandaya
• Things Fall Apart Chinua Achebe*
• Humans of New York: Stories Brandon Stanton
• The Shack Wm. Paul Young
• Farewell My Concubine​ Lillian Lee
• Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte*
• a nervous wreck faking fine​ Dakota Wint

The annotated novels took much longer to read than the others.  Although this is the case,  hands down Jane Eyre is the best novel I have ever read.  I love it.  I love everything about it.  I am literally obsessed.  I am currently teaching this masterpiece in my senior English classes.  I get to relive the wonder countless times.  

I am already a good way through my first 2016 novel, Little Bee Chris Cleave.  I am captivated.  Although the beginning of this year has been particularly rocky, I at least have the love of literature to maintain my sanity.

The Thing about Teaching...

Everybody thinks they can do my job.  Everybody thinks since there is so much scheduled time off, my job must be easy.  The things is...it is not.  It isn't easy.  And chances are you could not do it, unless you too have been trained in education.

Just because most everybody has gone to school and been in a classroom at some point does not qualify most everybody to be a teacher.  I have been in a variety of court houses but I don't claim to know how to be a judge or lawyer.  I have been in a myriad of hospitals but I would never consider myself capable of being a doctor or nurse.  I have even experienced six different surgeries.  I guarantee I cannot be a surgeon.

So why is it that everyone believes they are capable of being a teacher?

My job is hard.  I am tired.  I am sorry you think you could do it better but I doubt it and I also doubt your would survive 180 days with over 200 teenagers every day.  It is simply hard.

Agonizing through Teacher Professional Development

I know every career has professional development and trainings.  I don't particularly know how often others need to attend trainings but I am fairly positive it isn't every few months.  I am constantly in training as a teacher.  Today is the fifth professional development I have attended since August.  That is more than one PD a month.  If I only teach about 20 days a month missing one to two days is very significant.

WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OUR STUDENTS AND TEACHERS?!

Isn't is better for the students to be in class with their trained and certified teachers?  Wouldn't students learn more if they were given more instructional minutes instead of less?

Beyond the 5 days of training, students have also tested a total of 7 other days.  Meaning, about half a month, so far this year, has been sacrificed and stolen from the students and their understanding.  Why is this ok?

According to a recent tweet from President Obama, testing needs to be reduced and eliminated when not appropriate for true assessment.   Students should be in the classroom and they should have educated teachers there to instruct and engage students.  

I am passionate about the education of my students.  I find I am more concerned about their education than the students.  It is painful to be a teacher.  I just want to be in my classroom and teach my students.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: The First "tweet" Against Racism

Teaching any controversial text is difficult.  Teaching a controversial text in a school that is comprised of mostly minority students is an extremely delicate process.  I have come to find the community where our school resides in an area that has a flashy exterior, but a troubled underbelly.  Many of our students are very low income, homeless, gang members, and dealing with more than many adults face daily.  Most of my students also don't have a solid educational support system at home.  Each of these issues combine to increase tensions and place students on edge when dealing with sensitive material.

Tensions rose very quickly when students were assigned to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  I was somewhat appalled by a phone call I received where a parents voiced concerns over book choice.  This parent was concerned that Huck Finn contained derogatory and harsh commentary of African Americans.  The parent was concerned about their student's feelings and self image as the class discusses such inflammatory material.  My favorite remark from the parent was: "It is fine and good for a WHITE kid to read Huck Finn but this novel is seriously degrading to all your black students."

Has this parent even read Huckleberry Finn?!  

Mark Twain was an innovator of language, dialect, and social reform.  Twain argued against the societal views of 1840.  As Huck continues down the Mississippi River he is grappling with the pulls of an 1840 "civilized" society and his own moral compass of human decency.  

Mark Twain used The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn as a way to show the world how to treat other people.  Twain fought against the societal norm of slavery and degradation.  Although we, as a world community, still have  SO MUCH to do to truly eradicate racism and defeat the ignorance that reigned in our nation, Twain demonstrates just how far we have come from the time where slavery and racism was rampant everywhere.

Twain used his novel to "tweet" to the world the significance of accepting others and finding the humanity of individuals, despite societal norms and ignorance.

Dealing with my Anxiety & Depression

I have yet to figure out how to perfectly deal with my anxiety and depression within my everyday life.  Some days are fantastic and I have no issue; other days it takes all the power within my being to make it all the way through the day.  There are times when I cannot even get dressed or function in the same room as others.  I can literally feel the anxiety building within me and yet I am helpless to do anything to stop the problem.

I am currently sitting in another educational summer training.  As I listen to others talking around me I can feel the anxiety boiling under my skin.  I can feel my heart racing and my hands beginning to shake.  How can I possibly handle being here all day for the next three days?  

Some days things are ok.  Other days I am helpless to stop the runaway train of my emotions.  

Today is a runaway train day.

SUMMER...training

Remember when I said that "Summer Vacation" was a misnomer?  Well for the last few days I have been sitting in a conference room in training more than 8 hours a day.  It is painful.  Day one I thought was never going to end.  As the days continued to unfold, the workshop became better and better.  Despite the fact there were a few helpful aspects, spending four days in a hotel, away from my family was painful.  

I just want to go home.

Summer Vacation

I honestly think the term "summer vacation" is a complete misnomer.  Once you reach the age of 16, summer is really no longer a vacation.  If you are an academic student you are starting to take AP/IB classes and more than likely that requires some sort of summer work to prepare.  About this age students are also getting jobs and trying to earn money so the need to ask parents becomes moot.  If you are a teacher "summer vacation" merely means: a ton of work to do with no students around to harass and distract.

I find myself attending to two week long trainings, analyzing/annotating/building curriculum for seven new novels, and adjusting/editing all hangouts and guidelines.  When I became a teacher I never really thought about all the work involved outside of the classroom.  I never realized the number of meetings teachers attend, or the plethora of extra duties piled on by administration because you know teaching 180 teenagers that know more than you and think your an idiot is not enough work by itself.

I have grown to truly love my time in the classroom.  I think what I love more is the summer work though.  I love reading novels and building assignments that will help students grow and analyze the world.  If somebody would pay to stay home and build curriculum all day- I totally would.  It would be like a dream come true.

I love doing this work so much, but trust me there is nothing "vacation" about any step of the process.

Summer Vacation: n. just another lie people are told to manipulate them into becoming teachers before the truth is actually revealed.

Instead of Grading

Theoretically I should have gotten up and started grading.  There is simply too much to get done and not enough time to accomplish everything.  So what did I do instead?

• I slept late into the morning.  It was fantastic.  Between the end of the school year stress and seasonal allergies, I have been a hot mess.  I felt so ill on Friday that I took the day off and slept for over 12 hours straight.  [I also completed some grading so the day wasn't complete leisure.
• I made bacon and coffee.  Oh I love coffee.  If I wasn't concerned about being a good wifey I would drink the entire pot of coffee every day.  I share.  At least a little bit.
• I ordered concert tickets for my mother and me.  That is going to be one long, hot, awesome day.  Country in the Park 2015.
• I watched the SF Giants baseball game.  Well it is currently only in the 3rd because of a rain delay but I am watching.
• I cleaned a few things.

That is all.  I have done nothing productive when it comes to school.  I have not even gotten dressed or really gone outside [unless you count the three minutes I sat out there with the animals in my pajamas].

I love mornings such as these.  The lazy Sunday morning.  The morning to sleep in late with my husband and animals.  Snuggled up and not caring that the rest of the world is actually accomplishing out and about in the world.

I love Sunday mornings.

Teaching High School

The end of another school year is swiftly approaching.  In 11 short days I will be released for summer break.  I need it this year.  It has been difficult.  Students are trying and administration is pressuring.  I have never ceased to be amazed by the difference in I feel on day one and how I feel now.  180 days of 160 different teenagers in class and another myriad in the halls, makes for a very long school year.  I am fairly positive I look like this everyday:

I have even taken to getting up at my alarm and then setting a timer as I fall back asleep on the couch.  I absolutely love the literature I get to teach and the students I touch, but dude, I need a nap.

Almost two whole years later...

It never ceases to amaze me just how much life can change in such a short period of time.  It feels as though hardly any time has passed, yet my entire world is completely different now.  

Let's recap the biggest and most recent highlights:

• I now work at Inderkum High School in Natomas Unified School District
• I currently teach English 10 College Prep and English 10 Scholars.  Next year I will have English 10 Scholars and English 12 IBDP.
• I GOT MARRIED!
• It is true.  6 December 2014 I married the love of my life, Jt. See:

We had a beautiful wedding at Old Sugar Mill.  Everything was simply beautiful.

• We rescued a dog.  His name is Divot and he is a boxador.  I am not exaggerating when I say he is beyond nuts.
• We moved into a house to allow our boxador space to be a psycho.  See:

Summer is almost here and I am beyond excited to be out for the school year.  I love teaching but honestly by this point in the year, the behavior simply wears on your soul.  Here is to finishing out strong and beginning to blog again.  

Cheers.

Unemployed and Making Big Decisions

Strange things happen when you become unemployed.  First and foremost, you are immediately inundated with bills that come out of nowhere, people wanting you to sin-up/register for a million different things and of course there is no money to even cover the normal stuff so you are just stuck.  

I believe the premise that "people who are unemployed are lazy" is by and large a crock.  I haven't stopped moving the entire month and a half that I have been out of work.  And yet at the same time I don't really feel as those I have been getting much done really.  Somewhat depressing honestly, to think you are headed in the right direction and yet so swiftly be kicked off course through no fault of your own.  What a mess.

So now there are a lot of big decisions that need to be made.  But mainly you really just need to figure out, Where are we going?

Baby it's Cold Outside

No. Seriously.  It is cold.  I realize that I live in California and anybody from anywhere east of Nevada is just shaking their head and laughing at me but the fact that it is 3:18 and the current temperature is 48 degrees...that is bad.  I mean they are honestly predicting snow on Saturday.  It doesn't snow here!!  And the worst part about the whole thing is that I have to run a marathon on Sunday.  HA!  

But of course this would be the weather for my 2nd marathon.  I mean the weather for the first was a monsoon (last year, same marathon: so much rain the streets were literally flooding).  My luck is just really fortunate in this manner.

Could you imagine if it was actually snowing as we were running in?  How awful would that be?!

When There is just Too Much Time

I never really thought there would be too much time.  I mean seriously?  Who ever has enough time for anything?  When I was in college, it wasn't enough time for studying before a test.  Grade school was more time needed for lesson planning and thesis writing.  As I became a high school teacher and theatre advisor, there was never enough time for show productions or grading English papers.

And now...

Now I just have time.  Endless amounts of time to stew inside my head and, think.

It has been Almost a Year

I know.  I am a bit of a loser.  I have not really written anything for about a year.  But then it happened.  Yesterday I began to write again.  I wrote an entire children's story.  It is only a draft but I think I like it.  I LOVE the characters.  I need to fix an awkward part in the story but it will get there.

My life right now is a bit...interesting.  I took a big chance at the end of last school year.  I left my full time teaching career and took a position at a private industry job.  Flash forward five months.  I am unemployed.  Awesome.  

The world has a way of throwing you a curve ball when you least expect.  I made decisions about my life based on the best information I had at the time.  It has landed me in a place that is scary and causes anxiety.  What is going to happen?  Who knows.  My brain hurts just from thinking about it, and I have been thinking about it, a lot, for the past month.  What do you do know?  UGH.

Have you ever left completely lost and unsure about all things around you? My life is this spinning in a direction I never would have guessed.  

Now we wait. 

Been A While

Wow.  I haven't written in over a year.  So much has changed.  I have been busy for a very long time.  I will attempt to not be too verbose.

Biggest change:
My little sister is a warrior.  This year she has seen more hardship and obstacles.  She has been diagnosed with her third type of cancer.  Since the diagnoses she has been through chemo, her tumor metastasized three times its original size, her right leg was amputated and now she has to go back in for 18 more weeks of chemo.

I don't know how she does it.  I would be beyond terrified.  She is a wonderful person and is in my prayers daily.

Biggest Accomplishment:
I ran my first marathon.  In the middle of a hurricane practically.  It was the hardest thing I have done in a very long time.  I haven't been able to run since.  It was Dec. 2nd.  It took me 5 hours and 49 minutes.  The rain was so bad at points that my waterproof jacket was filling up with water instead of repelling the rain.  Some intersections were so flooded that I was running through calf deep water.

It was so hard but dude.  I. Ran. 26.2. MILES!  Dude! I bet I could do it better if it wasn't a torrential downpour.

School:
Things have been going well, but it is a hard time at the school.  This year we have 2 new administrators.  It is getting difficult.  Things are changing.  Some for the good...some not so much.  It is an interesting ride.

Love:
Jt and I are doing great.  The 6 year mark is here in about a week or so.  I am so in love with him.  He is fabulous.  For christmas he bought be a keurig and a pair of the prettiest diamond earrings.  He is my favorite thing in the entire world.

Although a year has passed.  It has been a beautiful year and I am blessed to have more.  A rollercoaster of a year.  Hello 2013, let's get cozy.

A Real Dream

I am sitting in the coolest place I have ever been. I am also doing one of the most interesting things I have ever done. I am currently sitting in a broken wheel chair in the in a rehearsal space above the Globe stage. Shortly I will be on the actual stage! I have dreamed of doing something this big and now it is here. Does anybody ever actually think that their dreams are going to come true in this way? Do people really believe that as a small town teacher they will one day perform on the stage of so many other Globe actors?

I honestly don't know how I can even articulate the wonder that is inside of me. It is like this is bigger than me and this moment. It is unreal and wonderful. I am torn apart inside, in a good way.

How do we get to these points? How do we find ourselves in these situations? Is it a miracle? Is he looking down on us in his space? Is he pleased?

I am here. It is amazing. I can barely contain myself. I am almost in tears with excitement and wonder. This is a moment I will never forget. It will remain in my heart for all of time.

I am here. This is real.

Reeses

Everyday that you are gone my heart aches. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I am lonely without you and the house feels empty. Other dogs make me sad. They just aren't as good as you. I don't know if I will ever stop hurting. I do know that I love you. I miss you.

You will never leave my heart.