Monday, September 28, 2009

Very Tired

So I did not sleep very well last night due to being back in my own bed. I am used to my parent's wonderful temperpedic bed that forms to your body and is all nice and bed is really hard by comparison. I had to get up early this morning to make it to work on time. Personally I would have much rather stayed in bed and enjoyed the wonder that is sleeping.

I am trying to move on. I am trying to talk to more guys and see where things take me. I am a little scared though. I want to continue to be friends with Jt and I don't want to hurt him when I go out on a date. I know he would do it to me but I have a feeling that I bounce back better than he does. The only problem is that I am afraid of guys and meeting new people is not always fun and easy.

breathe Brittney. just breathe and do it...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Broken Heart

Do you know those moments when you can just feel your heart breaking? When you realize that you care so much about somebody but they are destroying you at the same time? It was almost like that.

I think as individuals we get into these self destructive modes where we say things that we don't necessarily mean. Where we do things that are not really the way we want things to come out. I feel like something has happened to make us stray so far off course that the anger we feel for other people and other situations plays against those people that mean the most to us. I fear that there are things that are said that were not meant. I fear that the damage is un-mendable. When are we going to forget about our hostilities to others and just be us with us?

Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days that you hope was just a dream when you wake up in the morning...I woke up this morning and nothing can take away the things that were said, the pain that is caused, or the anxiety that it leaves.

are we over?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Another day, another exhaustion

So I am beyond tired. I am tired of my 12-13 hour days and the way that I am so tired by the time I get home from work. I am tired of having a stupid break in the middle of the day that causes me anxiety if I leave and makes me feel worthless if I stay. Things need to change...

My life has this interesting way of imploding every once in a while. If the powers that be decide my life is too cozy they tend to through monkey wrenches at me just to see if I can juggle. It is strange. I guess it always keeps me on my toes...but it also always makes me go through these lulls of extreme exhaustion and feelings of inadequacies.

I know that things need to change. I need to find a way to release a lot of my stress and place it else where. I need to let go of those things that are causing me pain and attempt to bring into my life those things that are good and helpful.

I am making changes. I have just come to realize that making these changes can be a very lonely business...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

looking forward

This is one of those times that there is so much going on that I just want to fast forward to a better place and time.

it is also a time where I look around and realize how many friends I don't have because they have left...I am down to my last one :(

how does one make friends? how does one make friends when they are juggling 4 jobs?