Thursday, March 31, 2011

Teaching High School

Overall my job is not one that I would say I LOVE. It is hard to love a job that gives you SO much crap and very little reward. The other thing that makes it difficult to enjoy is the fact that what little reward there is, it not tangible in the slightest. It is not like getting a bonus for a job well done or receiving a car for making a sales quota. The reward I get it knowing that I have changed a life for the better. The problem is that very rarely do you ever know if this is true or not. But alas, I am supposed to accept this and continue working a TON for very little pay.

Although this is completely true (and it is, honestly). There are some days that I really do enjoy what I do and take pride in knowing I have alleviated fears and increased joy, even if it just for a little bit of time. Today my students were supposed to perform their puppet theatre plays. I was absent yesterday (a well deserved day off trying to put myself back together after all the recent turmoil...didn't work too well) and the students had a sub. When I came to work today I knew that the students would be frazzled and not ready to perform. I offered 2 more days to work in class as long as EVERYBODY was working. So far this has worked well. We will see how the next 2 classes go but I have a feeling students will jump on the chance to postpone the performance date. A brief bit of joy magically bestowed through my generosity.

It is days like today where I really do enjoy my job. I wish everyday could be a day like today.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Good bye

It is all over now. Last night I said goodbye to my baby. I cried so much the last few days that I just feel dried out. There were a few points when I was so hysterical I couldn't even breathe.

I woke up this morning and really expected to see her. When she was not there I began to hyperventilate. I felt like I had killed her. I felt that if it weren't for me she would still be here. I curled into myself and cried. I was shaking because I cried so hard.

I know I didn't actually kill her. She was in so much pain and so awfully tired that she was thankful to finally close her eyes and rest. I know she is watching over me and she is happy. I am sure that my family is watching over her and playing fetch with her ball. This pictures in my mind make me feel a bit better.

I love you Reeses. You were more than I could have ever asked for.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Never Ending

I can't keep from crying. Every time I compose myself, I just fall apart again. I don't like this. I don't like feeling useless or helpless.

I know that she is not suffering. That is a hallmark of this disease. But the look of embarassment when she can't get down the stairs or hold her hind up to go to the bathroom. The saddness that glows in her eyes when she wants to play tug of war and begins to bound to her rope but has to drag her back legs. These things feel like they are literally killing me.

My heart is physically breaking. I don't know how long this will last. She is so happy...

except for those back legs.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


My dog is dying. There is really no other way to look at it. It is hard and painful. I have already shed so many tears and you better believe that there are a million more to come. I love her so much. She is my baby.

I have had Reeses for her entire life. If she makes it to August (not looking good) she will be 15 years old. That is 105. It is hard to believe that I have had her for so very long. She is the one individual that has loved me unconditionally. Never left or betrayed me. Stayed when I was sick or upset. Chased away the demons or the attacking siblings.

She has been the best shadow a girl could ask for.

Everybody love this dog. When we went to the vet today they were even saying that she is the type of dog that you just want to clone and keep forever. I wish I could keep her forever.

Yesterday when I got home she was asleep upstairs. She woke to find me kneeling in front of her. That is her favorite sight. I took her down stairs to go outside but her back legs just wouldn't work. She was clumsy and falling over. She wobbled a lot and drug her hind legs down the stairs. When she went outside to pee she couldn't squat. Her back legs just wouldn't hold her.

The vet said that it could be a couple different options:

1. arthritis and dysplasia: pretty much her hip sockets have developed bone spurs and it makes it hard for her to walk. Anti-inflammatories will help.

2. degenerative myelopathy: a degeneration of the spine that causes wobbly weak hind legs and eventually leads to paralysis. There is no treatment.

The vet said that based on how wobbly she is they think it is probably number 2 (although she would still be very shocked if she didn't have arthritis too) and there is nothing they can do at this point. We ran some blood labs on her and going to try the anti inflamatories to see if that helps at all. The prognosis is dim.

I love this dog more than I love most other people and things. She has been with me forever and I wish that forever could last a bit longer.

I know that I am being selfish about this and that she has had a wonderful long glorious life. She will forever be with me. I love her so much.