Coming to a Close

It is so hard to believe that I have not written a single thing in over a month. So much has happened. Things are really hard right now. It is the kind of hard that makes you want to stop doing what you are currently doing. It is the kind of hard that hurts to your corse and keeps that dull aching deep down. I will never understand what causes people to be so mean sometimes. I don't think I will ever understand how we get through these incredibly hard times either. I know that I have looked back and come to the realization that there have been some incredibly difficult periods that I was able to overcome.

School is drawing to an end. I am really happy. Over the last year I have been working the schedule: first period, fifth period and sixth period. Between the periods of second through fourth and then lunch...I do a lot of nothing (since breeaking my leg). My leg is no longer broken but it is proving to be a bit difficult to get any workouts done on my breaks now because I am actually teaching a student that is too "sick" to come to school. (the quotes indicate that I don't think she is sick but rather something happened that makes her not want to come back.)

I am tired. I find myself falling asleep anywhere that I sit still for too long.

4 more days.

4 more days and I will get to rejuvenate for a new year.

I need a new year.

...

heart breaks heal slowly and hurt a ton. Even the ones after fights that you know you will be past in a few days. It feels like a few days takes forever. Please pass more quickly.

Frustration with Journalism

On campus we have a journalism club and class. Every so often they print and distribute a school paper that is supposed to represent all things on campus. The problem is that what actually gets covered is a whole lot of sports and other highly important things like Ugly Sweater Day and Prom. It is frustrating that when we have just produced the biggest show at Vanden in 8 years, barely anything. The other problem is that which was said about the show, was wrong.

Today the paper came out and stated that Annie, the show I slaved over for 3 really really long months, was actually directed by Tabitha Angier, my stage manager. Also the band teacher directed an orchestra pit that was was same size as my cast. Orchestra: 15 musicians (3 hired professionals), Cast: 31 students...how are those the same size?

Ultimately I know that these are small errors but after an article in the last paper that was SO bad it looked like a small small child wrote it, these small errors are even more upsetting.

When I went to speak with the journalism teacher about these things all she said was, "They are kids." Well I know they are just kids but I was able to take my 31 students and put together a huge musical. Why can't she take her 30 kids and put together an accurate edited paper? If there are kids set up to edit and check facts, why aren't they being checked?

I am angry.

Roller Coasters

I cannot stand how life throws you rollercoasters. I like things to be fun. Working. Smooth. Alright you can all stop laughing. I am serious here. There are short periods of time when things just go right for people. Like the young summer love that is just perfect for 3 whole months. The blur of first being able to drive. These are usually instances that are just great while they last and either end up imploding or just losing its allure through regularity. Anyways, moving on.

Right now things are just not going well. Mom is fine, Kim is in holding, I have a broken leg and I am just a bit tired. It is like there are just things in my life that when they start to go sour, everything goes down hill with great speed and motivation.

Right now I am struggling with so many things on my mind. That I cannot focus on any one thing. I am actually currently, watching a documentary, writing a test and updating my blog. I am a freak of inattentiveness. When things start to go crazy it always has to leak into my personal life too, my life of relationships. I don't like that. I don't like feeling icky and uneasy.

I wish I could go to sleep and just wake up when it is all over again.

Tear Stained Cheeks...

5 years ago I was in a knee brace with a broken arm. I tore my ACL and broke my wrist playing indoor soccer. Many many people remember this. I have pictures and I distinctly remember the hours of pain and agony as I endured through casts, braces, surgery and physical therapy death. This was in Southern California.

While I was dealing with this pain, my sister was in Northern California dealing with her own nightmares. She was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma, a soft tissue cancer. She had surgery after surgery, lengthy hospital stays, radiation and deformed scars.

Today a new round of news has reached our family. It looks like I might have re-torn my ACL. I was attempting to learn to snowboard but tried to save a small girl from dying at my hand and ended up hurting myself. I have to get a confirming MRI but the way the doctor was talking today it is pretty sure that I will be having another knee surgery. My sister also got some test results back from her pap smear...abnormal cancer cells were found. This is a different cancer than last time and she now has to see more specialists. As though this were not enough for my poor family, Mom has been called back in to get more mammography pictures taken and they wont tell us why.

We are stuck in a bad cycle and are now just waiting. I was hoping to never feel this pain again. I am afraid.


Please pray for us.

Shamrockn' Good Time

So for some reason I am a huge idiot and decided that I needed to run a half marathon. This is probably not the best idea I have ever had because it means that I need to get myself into shape and run a lot. I originally started running again back in September because I have a huge stupid break in the middle of my day that I didn't know what to do with myself. This break turned into a good thing because I have been running 3-5 times a week since then. Somewhere along the line some coworkers started talking about running a half; somehow I got dragged into the equation.

In the beginning, when I was only running a mile or two I thought there was no way that I could ever run the full half marathon. This was ok because there were plenty other people I knew that were going to walk or run/walk the entire course.

I have kept running. I can now run 4.5 miles in less than an hour and without stopping. I have run up to 8 miles without stopping and I am still going. This weekend I am trying to run 9-10 miles. A few months ago I could never even imagine running this much.

I LOVE IT!

I love getting ready. I love listening to my ipod. I love pushing myself farther and farther. When I don't run I get all messed up and upset. I love the feeling after I run and I really really enjoy the rhythmic beat that my breathing and foot fall makes on the pavement.

On March 14th I will be one of many many many runners hitting the pavement in Sacramento for the annual;

Shamrockn' Half Marathon

Saturday School

At the beginning of every year the administration asks who would like to be put on the Saturday school rotation. This means that every so often you are in charge of watching the "bad" students on Saturday morning for 4 straight hours. Because I was not full time, I thought that this would be a good way to make at least a little bit of money. The first time I was up on the rotation it was really really easy. I only had 10 students and they followed directions and it wasn't that big of a deal. Well now it is a lot harder. I am currently sitting in a room full of 29 students that do not want to listen or do the work that they were supposed to bring with them. We have been here for almost 4 hours and I am not going to lie...it sucks. This is the kind of sucking that you think to yourself, "this is honestly not worth my $38.21 an hour pay. It sucks. I am honestly just a babysitter. The students are to sit silently and work. They are not supposed to talk to each other or take out any sort of electronic device. It is lame and I don't like doing it. I had never signed up before so I didn't really know what I was getting myself into.

I have a feeling by the time we get closer to noon it is going to degrade into "as long as you are not talking I don't care what you are doing" ugh this sucks.