Very Tired

So I did not sleep very well last night due to being back in my own bed. I am used to my parent's wonderful temperpedic bed that forms to your body and is all nice and squishy...my bed is really hard by comparison. I had to get up early this morning to make it to work on time. Personally I would have much rather stayed in bed and enjoyed the wonder that is sleeping.

I am trying to move on. I am trying to talk to more guys and see where things take me. I am a little scared though. I want to continue to be friends with Jt and I don't want to hurt him when I go out on a date. I know he would do it to me but I have a feeling that I bounce back better than he does. The only problem is that I am afraid of guys and meeting new people is not always fun and easy.

breathe Brittney. just breathe and do it...

Broken Heart

Do you know those moments when you can just feel your heart breaking? When you realize that you care so much about somebody but they are destroying you at the same time? It was almost like that.

I think as individuals we get into these self destructive modes where we say things that we don't necessarily mean. Where we do things that are not really the way we want things to come out. I feel like something has happened to make us stray so far off course that the anger we feel for other people and other situations plays against those people that mean the most to us. I fear that there are things that are said that were not meant. I fear that the damage is un-mendable. When are we going to forget about our hostilities to others and just be us with us?

Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days that you hope was just a dream when you wake up in the morning...I woke up this morning and nothing can take away the things that were said, the pain that is caused, or the anxiety that it leaves.

are we over?

Another day, another exhaustion

So I am beyond tired. I am tired of my 12-13 hour days and the way that I am so tired by the time I get home from work. I am tired of having a stupid break in the middle of the day that causes me anxiety if I leave and makes me feel worthless if I stay. Things need to change...

My life has this interesting way of imploding every once in a while. If the powers that be decide my life is too cozy they tend to through monkey wrenches at me just to see if I can juggle. It is strange. I guess it always keeps me on my toes...but it also always makes me go through these lulls of extreme exhaustion and feelings of inadequacies.

I know that things need to change. I need to find a way to release a lot of my stress and place it else where. I need to let go of those things that are causing me pain and attempt to bring into my life those things that are good and helpful.

I am making changes. I have just come to realize that making these changes can be a very lonely business...

looking forward

This is one of those times that there is so much going on that I just want to fast forward to a better place and time.

it is also a time where I look around and realize how many friends I don't have because they have left...I am down to my last one :(

how does one make friends? how does one make friends when they are juggling 4 jobs?

UC Davis Medical System

So I am an unhappy member of the UC Davis Medical System. I got to experience the wonder that is yesterday....

So some idiot in Stockton decided it was a good idea to run from the cops and create a huge car chase. This happened in the dead of night Monday/Tuesday morning. Around 2:00 am the car chase ended in a cop being pinned between two cars and open gun fire ringing through the night air on the off ramp of Laguna Blvd. I-5 south in Elk Grove.

Jump forward to my doctor appointment Tuesday midmorning (11:30) where I need to travel down I-5 south to Laguna Blvd. and get to my appointment...but oh wait I can't because the exit is closed for investigations. Alright...so now I have to drive all the way down Florin Blvd. to hit highway 99 and then cut south on 99 to Laguna Blvd. and drive from that direction. Therefore, I am late. When I walk into the doctor office it is 11:40. I go to check in. She makes a phone call to the back and says I cannot check in until they call her back and I need to have a seat. I sit. She recieves the call back and the verdict "You are going to have to reschedule." You have got to be kidding me! I cannot reschedule! I have already taken the whole afternoon off work for this! "I am sorry let me get somebody that you can talk to."

Other lady emerges from the back room. "I am sorry ma'am but you are going to have to reschedule because we have a policy that if you are 15 minutes late we move on to the next appointment and therefore the doctor is already with the next patient." I wasn't fifteen minutes late. I was only ten minutes late because somebody decided to shoot at the cops and they closed your freeway exit. How was I supposed to get here any quicker? "leave earlier" Are you kidding me this is ridiculous. I cannot reschedule. I have to be seen. "Let me go talk to the doctor and see what I can do"

"The doctor has another appointment at 1:00 pm in Folsom and if he doesn't leave then he will be late." Then let me see a different doctor I have never met this guy anyways. "I am sorry but the other GI doctor is out until October." Of course he is.

I reschedule..."August 31 is the soonest we can get you in at 1:45" No, I am a teacher and cannot get days off whenever I feel like it. I have to be seen sooner than that. "There are no appointments sooner than that." What about Saturday. I can come in on a Saturday. "We are closed Saturdays." Well then you better open huh. "I am sorry we cannot do that. How about a 3:30 on August 31st? Is that better?" Actually no but I guess I don't really have a choice do I? So the fact that I was ten minutes late means you are refusing to see me but the fact that you have been dragging this out for a year doesn't seem to bother you? Or that you change my appointments constantly becuase you feel like whether it is convient for me or not? Or perhaps that it takes over four months to get a procedure done...none of this matters but me being ten minutes late seems to mean that I am ruining your whole system?!?!

This is assinine!!!

I will be seen on August 31st at 3:30...and this doctor WILL get a piece of my mind!

Beginnning another year.

It is the start of yet another year. I was actually excited to come back to work seeing as home I had such an awful beyond awful summer. Yesterday was the first day with students. I am only part time (60%= 3 classes) and I am teaching drama all day long. I had my dr. appt. yesterday so I didn't even teach my full 3 classes. By the looks of the students coming in during 6th period...it is going to be a long year...I have to start teaching again soon. I will post more later.

ps. I am moving into my new place tomorrow!

The Mystery Within

So a little over a week ago on the 15th of July, I was at work. I excused myself from my student and went to the bathroom and proceeded to get very very sick. After my first student left I tried to eat something to see if that would help. I finally got somebody to cover the rest of my shift and went home. Over the course of the following week I could not keep anything down, food, liquids or otherwise. After 3 straight days of vomiting I decided to go to the ER. Jt drove me to the ER at 9:30pm. We were finally called back at 12:45am and proceeded to stay there until 5:30am. After nine hours in the ER, having been stabbed 5 times to try and get an IV, and a plethora of medications for nausea and pain they had determined nothing.

Two more days of vomiting enduced a trip to my regular doctor. He gave me another shot of nausea medication, another bag of fluids and insisted that I get in to get the upper endoscopy that I was supposed to get months ago asap. I called to schedule the test the following day. Thankfully they had a cancellation for yesterday at 2:30pm. Jt was able to rearrange his work schedule so he could drive me to Elk Grove to get this test. After getting another IV (2 more stabbings) they knocked me out. I was given a mouth block thing so that I would not chomp down on the camera and they then navigated a camera down my throat into my stomach. I was semi-conscienous for the whole thing which was really uncomfortable. After it was over and Jt was back in the room (I would not have remembered the conversations had they just told me) they pronounced that I had a HUGE mystery lump in my stomach. While they were in there they grabbed out samples to biopsy but they also wanted to send me for a CT scan. The Dr. is not sure whether this lump is growing inside my stomach or outside and pushing the stomach wall in. For a doctors office that took 3 months to schedule my initial tests (and then cancel them) they were able to get me in to a CT scan very quickly. I have a scan set up for Monday afternoon. Apparently if they feel you have a life threatening sickness they speed up the tests a lot and make appointments out of nowhere.

Next week is going to be busy. Not only do I find out about my scans and the mystery lump but I also find out if I get the new job with Natomas Charter school. We will see. Keep me in your good thoughts please.