Day 1: Creating a New Me

Today was hard. There were parts of the day that I felt like I was going to implode and not be able to continue on. Thankfully I have made it to here. I have eaten about 4 bites since yesterday at lunch...well over 24 hours. I have cried well more than any human should be allowed to produce tears in such a limited space. I just feel awful. I am hoping that the days will get better but I know that it is going to be a long time until that happens. For now...I am going to keep moving forward and trying to occupy my time. It doesn't work very well becuase in less than the five minute passing period between classes I break down. I am a bit of a mess. I don't like feeling this way but I am pretty sure it is going to last for a while.

....

It is over. I can't breathe.

a HUGE step backwards

Every Sunday I read the postsecret website. On my computer I have actually created a folder of all the secrets that mean something to me in one form or another. It is interesting becuase if it touches me when I read the secret I will save it. Some of the secrets that I have saved so not mean as much to me now as I am guessing they once did. (As a side note, my big fat slinky grey cat, T0-mas, has just crawled into my lap and started purring making it infinitely harder to type.) While i was reading this weeks secrets I came accross this one:

As I read this picture it was obvious to me that in fact, none of my students would ever write something like this. My students seem to be on a completely different level. Then I started thinking about how I was as a student and I realized that I would never have to write something like because I was a really good student when I was in school. I could never even imagine talking to teachers in the same manner that these students talk to the teachers at school. It appals me the difference only a decade can make in society and the values we hold as individuals. It will never cease to amaze me that sometimes there are really big things done badly. I believe that one of those things is the way in which today's kids are allowed to treat adults. If I ever talked to an adult the way I get talked to now my mom would have slapped me so quickly. A decade is not a very long time but it makes a massive difference in so many ways.

Here is another postcard that was posted quite a while ago that I really enjoyed. I hope that some day the ideals that were once seen as common place, return for the benefit of all.

Waking up Refreshed

One of the things that I love is having a wonderful night sleep where you get to wake up at any time you want in the morning. Now granted this morning I was rudely awoken by a cat jumping at me from the outer reaches of the bed, but it was still a lovely night's rest. Luckily today I did not wake up to the same surprise that greated me yesterday morning.

Now granted this is not a picture of my exact mess, because I wake up at six in the morning and was not coherent enough to take a picture; however, you get the rough idea of what was accomplished. Some time in the middle of the night my cats thought it was going to be a good idea to destory the toilet paper in the bathroom. Needless to say, it makes using the remaining toilet paper quite difficult, and provides a nice mess to clean up as well.

This morning the only thing I woke up to was a bunch of stuff on the cedar chest being shoved off onto the floor so that the lovely feline could cozy itself down in the sheep skin covering...ahhh cats are just so cute :)

A couple hours later...

Apparently I was wrong. The cats did leave things for me to find...a hair ball they romved from the shower drain...in all its disgusting glory. Gag it is disgusting. Thanks kitty cats! you are such fantastic creatures.

Take it to the Matresses

So I called Richard out today. He is the main student that is really just making my life difficult. I told him that there is nothing I can do to prevent him from talking crap; however, if he is going to do it he might want to get his facts straight. First off, I have participated and performed in a variety of theatre settings. I have done community theatre, school theatre, professional theatre and private theatre. I have run the gamet when it comes to participating in a variety of theatre groups. Secondly, I do actually have a degree in the field I am teaching. This means that the University of California, Santa Barbara gave me a bachelor of arts in Dramatic Arts with an emphasis in Directing. This is not a minor. This is not merely participating in a few volunteer groups. I actually went through the entire course of study and passed my classes with grades that were high enough that I did not get kicked out of this extremely intense conservatory setting. By doing so, the bestowed a BA on me in a field that I am now teaching. Therefore, yes, I am qualified to be teaching this subject. Third, I have been participating in theatre since I was in the 4th grade, and since I am a bit older than you, I have been doing it for longer. Also, YOU are not more qualified than I am to be a director. Actually quite the contrary. You do not understand the magnitude of which the directing field emcompasses and you don't even know how to hold an audition let alone complete and entire show.

Now let me clarify a couple of things. Just because the above mentioned paragraph clearly shows that I am more accurately equiped to do my job than you are, does not mean that there is not room for learning and improvement. I thrive on the idea that I can continue to learn new techniques and become a better individual both in the classroom as well as on the stage. All I am saying is...

I did not rack up more than $130,000 in student loan debt to be treated this way by a 12 year old.

Moving On

So today was another one of those days that seriously make me question my job. It is like no matter what I do and how hard I try it is all for not. It is almost as if I cannot win this game. I can try a million things and the students are still going to be difficult, still going to be caddy and still going to talk crap about each other, other schools, projects, assignments and me. I don't feel as though I am actually making a difference. I don't feel as though my time is being well used and effective. I don't think that the students realize that their demeanor and actions have such a large impact on everybody around them.

I am having the most trouble with my seniors. the seniors have decided that I am pretty much worthless and so they are spreading these "facts" on to the younger classes. When I originally started the year I had over 40 freshmen that were super excited about theatre and learning new things. Now I don't have many at all. I want to create an atmosphere for students to be able to learn and grow, not just hang out and talk with there friend; they can do that at lunch. The problem is that the seniors are doing everything in their power to destroy the shine of the freshmen and bring them down.

I am over it. I am over teaching and I want to move on to something that I am seriously good at and wont be chastised for every six seconds by individuals that obviously don't know what they are talking about. Does a job like this actually exist? Is is possible to find a place that is so securely my own that I will not feel the wrath of those that are far less qualified but obviously more vocal? I sit here and I wonder...is teaching really the profession for me? Should I move on to something that is more suited for my nature?

Can I just be a student for the rest of my life? Is that allowed?