A Real Dream

I am sitting in the coolest place I have ever been. I am also doing one of the most interesting things I have ever done. I am currently sitting in a broken wheel chair in the in a rehearsal space above the Globe stage. Shortly I will be on the actual stage! I have dreamed of doing something this big and now it is here. Does anybody ever actually think that their dreams are going to come true in this way? Do people really believe that as a small town teacher they will one day perform on the stage of so many other Globe actors?

I honestly don't know how I can even articulate the wonder that is inside of me. It is like this is bigger than me and this moment. It is unreal and wonderful. I am torn apart inside, in a good way.

How do we get to these points? How do we find ourselves in these situations? Is it a miracle? Is he looking down on us in his space? Is he pleased?

I am here. It is amazing. I can barely contain myself. I am almost in tears with excitement and wonder. This is a moment I will never forget. It will remain in my heart for all of time.

I am here. This is real.

Reeses

Everyday that you are gone my heart aches. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I am lonely without you and the house feels empty. Other dogs make me sad. They just aren't as good as you. I don't know if I will ever stop hurting. I do know that I love you. I miss you.

You will never leave my heart.

Another Saturday

It totally amazes me the attitude of students today. I had a incident yesterday with a freshman girl who thought it was ok for her to make the rules and decide when she gets to leave class. After I had already told the students that they needed to stay, she felt that these rules clearly did not apply to her and therefore she would not have to listen to them. When I then made her stay after to talk to me she proceeded to tell me that I don't get to decide when she can or cannot leave class because the bell had rung and that means she can clearly leave. Problem being that the bell did not ring at the apprproate time and therefore she was not allowed to leave. She didn't want to listen to this though. I have come to the conclusion that the freshman class is in a serious need of some reality check and attitude adjustment. I mean seriously. If I had ever spoken to my teacher like these students speak to me, my mama would have slapped me well into next week.

On and entirely different note but somewhat related, I am sitting here "babysitting" for Saturday School. Yes it is true. 4 straight hours of sitting in a silent library because students cannot seem to get themselves to class on time. Most of the students that are here in trouble are here because of being tardy too many times to class. As we were walking in this morning I overheard a students say, "this is completely stupid. Why do I have to get in trouble for being late to class." My reply was, "Because you would also get in trouble for being late to work." At this the student just got snarky like usual. It completely amazes me how they will sit here giving me grief and I was not the person that made them late, or caught them cheating on a test, or told them to take out their phones (prohibited on school grounds) or whatever else they did to land themselves here. I just happen to be the person that is governing over Saturday School and is enforcing the rules thereof. One boy even got up and left becuase he refused to take off his hood. I mean seriously?!? It is a hood. I don't like people wearing them in doors. It just how it is. Deal with it. My "partner in crime" today, football's Caoch Haynes, looked right at the kid and said either you follow Miss Hansen's directions or you leave and get additional SS. He got up and left. Idiot. Should have just taken off the hood and been done with it.

Th behavior of students never ceases to amaze me.

Teaching High School

Overall my job is not one that I would say I LOVE. It is hard to love a job that gives you SO much crap and very little reward. The other thing that makes it difficult to enjoy is the fact that what little reward there is, it not tangible in the slightest. It is not like getting a bonus for a job well done or receiving a car for making a sales quota. The reward I get it knowing that I have changed a life for the better. The problem is that very rarely do you ever know if this is true or not. But alas, I am supposed to accept this and continue working a TON for very little pay.

Although this is completely true (and it is, honestly). There are some days that I really do enjoy what I do and take pride in knowing I have alleviated fears and increased joy, even if it just for a little bit of time. Today my students were supposed to perform their puppet theatre plays. I was absent yesterday (a well deserved day off trying to put myself back together after all the recent turmoil...didn't work too well) and the students had a sub. When I came to work today I knew that the students would be frazzled and not ready to perform. I offered 2 more days to work in class as long as EVERYBODY was working. So far this has worked well. We will see how the next 2 classes go but I have a feeling students will jump on the chance to postpone the performance date. A brief bit of joy magically bestowed through my generosity.

It is days like today where I really do enjoy my job. I wish everyday could be a day like today.

Good bye

It is all over now. Last night I said goodbye to my baby. I cried so much the last few days that I just feel dried out. There were a few points when I was so hysterical I couldn't even breathe.

I woke up this morning and really expected to see her. When she was not there I began to hyperventilate. I felt like I had killed her. I felt that if it weren't for me she would still be here. I curled into myself and cried. I was shaking because I cried so hard.

I know I didn't actually kill her. She was in so much pain and so awfully tired that she was thankful to finally close her eyes and rest. I know she is watching over me and she is happy. I am sure that my family is watching over her and playing fetch with her ball. This pictures in my mind make me feel a bit better.

I love you Reeses. You were more than I could have ever asked for.

Never Ending

I can't keep from crying. Every time I compose myself, I just fall apart again. I don't like this. I don't like feeling useless or helpless.

I know that she is not suffering. That is a hallmark of this disease. But the look of embarassment when she can't get down the stairs or hold her hind up to go to the bathroom. The saddness that glows in her eyes when she wants to play tug of war and begins to bound to her rope but has to drag her back legs. These things feel like they are literally killing me.

My heart is physically breaking. I don't know how long this will last. She is so happy...

except for those back legs.

Reeses

My dog is dying. There is really no other way to look at it. It is hard and painful. I have already shed so many tears and you better believe that there are a million more to come. I love her so much. She is my baby.

I have had Reeses for her entire life. If she makes it to August (not looking good) she will be 15 years old. That is 105. It is hard to believe that I have had her for so very long. She is the one individual that has loved me unconditionally. Never left or betrayed me. Stayed when I was sick or upset. Chased away the demons or the attacking siblings.

She has been the best shadow a girl could ask for.

Everybody love this dog. When we went to the vet today they were even saying that she is the type of dog that you just want to clone and keep forever. I wish I could keep her forever.

Yesterday when I got home she was asleep upstairs. She woke to find me kneeling in front of her. That is her favorite sight. I took her down stairs to go outside but her back legs just wouldn't work. She was clumsy and falling over. She wobbled a lot and drug her hind legs down the stairs. When she went outside to pee she couldn't squat. Her back legs just wouldn't hold her.

The vet said that it could be a couple different options:

1. arthritis and dysplasia: pretty much her hip sockets have developed bone spurs and it makes it hard for her to walk. Anti-inflammatories will help.

2. degenerative myelopathy: a degeneration of the spine that causes wobbly weak hind legs and eventually leads to paralysis. There is no treatment.

The vet said that based on how wobbly she is they think it is probably number 2 (although she would still be very shocked if she didn't have arthritis too) and there is nothing they can do at this point. We ran some blood labs on her and going to try the anti inflamatories to see if that helps at all. The prognosis is dim.

I love this dog more than I love most other people and things. She has been with me forever and I wish that forever could last a bit longer.

I know that I am being selfish about this and that she has had a wonderful long glorious life. She will forever be with me. I love her so much.

A Hectic kind of Time

I am trying to hold my breath until Sunday afternoon. On Sunday afternoon my show will be over, the plant puppets will be returned and my life will be joyfully peaceful for an entire week.

I am being furloughed. I know, weird huh? I am a school teacher and therefore because there is no money to be had in California the students get an entire week off in the middle of February. It is a bit crappy not to get paid but I am also not going to do any work either so I guess it is a trade off.

Little Shop of Horrors needs to close before this joyous week of bliss. I have choreography rehearsal today, dress rehearsal tomorrow night til 9:30 pm. First show Friday at 7 pm, second show of the weekend is our only matinee at 2 pm and then we having closing night at 7 pm that same evening. Sunday morning I drive the puppets home to Tracy. Then I sleep and enjoy the quiet of my home



...I might pass out from holding my breath but I am certainly going to try.

Migraines are fun

I have had a headache for 5 days straight. It is not much fun, let me tell you. I can make the headache go away with strong pain killers but as soon as the meds wear off it is right back. I don't like it much. I don't enjoy having a headache. It makes me a bit cranky to be honest.

I want it to go away. I don't like it anymore.

Rolling with the Punches

It is a lot harder than it sounds when the punches thrown are this hard. I am losing out on things that I really want. It is hard. I don't like it.

Stress at work is horrific. I have a show opening in 9 days. We need about 2 weeks more than we have. "Luckily" I have a six hour rehearsal this Saturday that will hopefully help us get on par for our production. I would like to be under par though.

I have a constant headache that wont go away. Oh and my dr. called to tell me that I have a nodule in the right side of my thyroid which could or could not be a problem. fun.


on Feb 19th I start a week long furlough. Feb 20th after I return puppets is when mine actually begins. I can't wait til that time.