I feel like a lot of what I am doing right now is walking around in circles confused. I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous but it is true. I have decided to be strong about some things but that strength is fleeting and the help I need is not working so well. I love a boy. A boy loves me. Boy needs to change if we are going to have a chance. How do you stay away when you love a boy and a boy loves you?
I am a bit lost.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Recycle Yoursel: Donate Blood
So I have a really long day today. First I had a safety meeting at 7 this morning. That is right, I actually had to get out of my house no later than 6:30 am in order to make it to a pointless meeting by 7. It was very difficult to do I am not going to lie. I really just wanted to stay in my bed. Once I got here the meeting was only 20 minutes long anyways and it isn't like we discussed anything worth while anyways. What I waste of good sleeping time.
Since I was already here early and I had made copies of all of my tests yesterday I decided to participate in the school blood drive. Now I have mixed feelings about blood drives. I think that it is good to donate blood because it helps save lives and the forth but dude. I feel like the phlebodimsits need to be better trained or something because honestly the stabbing around in the arm for 45 minutes is not much fun. Thankfully I got a relatively skilled technician this time and was only stabbed a few times instead of the usual 500. Unfortunately, they were not prepared for me to be the first patient (due to my first period prep) and thus I did not spend the requisite 15 minutes in the little food grotto before leaving to teach my second period class.
The rest of my day is packed too. I have to finish teaching (which wont be bad because I have five classes: 3 of them have tests and the other 2 are continuing to watch a movie...hopefully this means I will get some grading done), pick up some cheesecake, shower and get dressed up at the parentals, move a ton of furniture from my classroom and host the murder mystery dessert we are having tonight at 7:30. I wont get home til at least 10:30. It is going to suck. Then I have to work 2 jobs tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it...
...what I am looking forward to is Friday, my first day of Spring Break!! I am going to sleep in and enjoy the wonder that is not working! :) It is going to be lovely! And since things are ok with my best friend I wont even have that stress to bum me out...ahh I am living the good life.
(on a completely unrelated note, kind of, school is almost out! Life is very nice to me right now)
Since I was already here early and I had made copies of all of my tests yesterday I decided to participate in the school blood drive. Now I have mixed feelings about blood drives. I think that it is good to donate blood because it helps save lives and the forth but dude. I feel like the phlebodimsits need to be better trained or something because honestly the stabbing around in the arm for 45 minutes is not much fun. Thankfully I got a relatively skilled technician this time and was only stabbed a few times instead of the usual 500. Unfortunately, they were not prepared for me to be the first patient (due to my first period prep) and thus I did not spend the requisite 15 minutes in the little food grotto before leaving to teach my second period class.
The rest of my day is packed too. I have to finish teaching (which wont be bad because I have five classes: 3 of them have tests and the other 2 are continuing to watch a movie...hopefully this means I will get some grading done), pick up some cheesecake, shower and get dressed up at the parentals, move a ton of furniture from my classroom and host the murder mystery dessert we are having tonight at 7:30. I wont get home til at least 10:30. It is going to suck. Then I have to work 2 jobs tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it...
...what I am looking forward to is Friday, my first day of Spring Break!! I am going to sleep in and enjoy the wonder that is not working! :) It is going to be lovely! And since things are ok with my best friend I wont even have that stress to bum me out...ahh I am living the good life.
(on a completely unrelated note, kind of, school is almost out! Life is very nice to me right now)
Monday, April 6, 2009
Let them eat Cake
So one of my colleagues is also going through a break up from his significant other. He told one of his classes about the break up he was going through. Today in class one of his students brought him a cake. He thought I too would appreciate this cake and therefore he sent me an email with a picture of the cake. He figured that this cake would also bring me a smile. I post it here now for you...it really is a very cute cake. I wish I had received one as well.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Last Night: A Wild Roller Coaster of Events
Last night was one of those nights that you only see in movies. It was honestly like I was living an out of body experience. At first it was strange becuase I went to work and was hit with the most intense prespective ever. It was like I grew up and I don't know how it happened. After gaining this intense perspective I went to prom. That is right ladies and gentlemen I got dressed and went to prom to chaporone the craziness that is.
While I was there I talked to a colleague of mine that I greatly admire and respect. This individual is actually one of the people I would like to most be like in my life. He carries himself with such utmost dignity that is astounds me. While I was talking to him he mentioned that he had heard about my situation through the grapevine. He said he was getting ready to move back to Davis this coming weekend. I inquired why and he told me for similar reasons. We began talking about our different situations and had a fabulous and enlightening time about the differences. He told me that his break up had started back in December so they had been through absolutely every conversation about it possible. When I explained ther I got no explanation at all he agreed with Amber when she said that I deserved an explanation after having been together for so long. That was the moment I decided that it was it, I had to get answers and I had to call him out.
So that is exactly what I did. After I got home from the prom I went over and I called him at. It was a fabulously intense conversation and everything that I thought was true really was. I don't real feel comfrotable listing everything that we talked about here and it really was a personal conversation. Basically we both decided that being best friends is what we need and we both need something more. We are in a great place for our relationship and I know that we are going to be fabulous friends for the rest of our lives. Maybe if we both figure things out and we both make some changes we can be more. But he is not what I need right now and I need to move away from being in love with him and move toward loving him as my best friend.
I have a feeling that we are going to become Will and Grace...sans him being gay of course :)
While I was there I talked to a colleague of mine that I greatly admire and respect. This individual is actually one of the people I would like to most be like in my life. He carries himself with such utmost dignity that is astounds me. While I was talking to him he mentioned that he had heard about my situation through the grapevine. He said he was getting ready to move back to Davis this coming weekend. I inquired why and he told me for similar reasons. We began talking about our different situations and had a fabulous and enlightening time about the differences. He told me that his break up had started back in December so they had been through absolutely every conversation about it possible. When I explained ther I got no explanation at all he agreed with Amber when she said that I deserved an explanation after having been together for so long. That was the moment I decided that it was it, I had to get answers and I had to call him out.
So that is exactly what I did. After I got home from the prom I went over and I called him at. It was a fabulously intense conversation and everything that I thought was true really was. I don't real feel comfrotable listing everything that we talked about here and it really was a personal conversation. Basically we both decided that being best friends is what we need and we both need something more. We are in a great place for our relationship and I know that we are going to be fabulous friends for the rest of our lives. Maybe if we both figure things out and we both make some changes we can be more. But he is not what I need right now and I need to move away from being in love with him and move toward loving him as my best friend.
I have a feeling that we are going to become Will and Grace...sans him being gay of course :)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Simple Words
I just read a quote, "surely for everything you love you have to pay some price" ~ Agatha Christie. And then of course there is the well known quote, "If you love it let it go and if it comes back then it is yours, if it doesn't it never was." Strangely enough these quotes are somewhat comforting. I mean i have been crying for a while now this evening and I have been in physical pain for days but for some reason these simple words make me feel a little bit better. Now lets not get crazy I am still very very hurt and upset about the situation, but still...a little bit better.
Day 3
Today has started off kind of rough. It hurts to breathe and it is very difficult to do so as well. I think the hardest part about the whole process is that I don't want to create a new me. I liked where I was and what I was doing. I enjoyed having him in my life everyday and I enjoyed being held in his arms. I know that there are fundamentally many things that were wrong. I realize that this is going on for a reason and will probably bring me much happiness later but right now it hurts so bad that it is hard to breathe. I don't know how I am going to get through the days or how I am going to survive the times that I am not working incessantly. The last few days have only gone this smoothly because I worked so much. What happens when I have all day to just sit and think? What happens when nobody is going to be around and I am alone again. I hurt at the thought of it. My heart breaks and I can't do anything but cry.
Why does this not hurt him like it hurts me? Why am I left her to suffer alone? Does he lie awake at night thinking about me and knowing that we cannot be together? Does he cry over the lost love and friendship that we will never have back? Does it hurt him to breathe? to get our of bed? To continue on with life like nothing is the matter? Does he not have an appetite? Is he lonely and suffering the way that I am? When he breathes do his sides ache with the pain of loneliness and fear of the lost love? Why was I not good enough? Why did he never love me the same way that I loved him? How am I supposed to go on living like the most important part of my life was not just ripped from me?
It honestly feels like I have lost a limb and can no longer function. I don't know how to living without him in my life, by my side, protecting me from this hurt...instead of causing it.
I am in the middle of fourth period and I cannot help myself from crying. I don't like feeling this hallow emptiness. I don't like knowing that life has to go on without him. That I have to learn to live all over again while this isn't even affecting him or his life.
Why does this not hurt him like it hurts me? Why am I left her to suffer alone? Does he lie awake at night thinking about me and knowing that we cannot be together? Does he cry over the lost love and friendship that we will never have back? Does it hurt him to breathe? to get our of bed? To continue on with life like nothing is the matter? Does he not have an appetite? Is he lonely and suffering the way that I am? When he breathes do his sides ache with the pain of loneliness and fear of the lost love? Why was I not good enough? Why did he never love me the same way that I loved him? How am I supposed to go on living like the most important part of my life was not just ripped from me?
It honestly feels like I have lost a limb and can no longer function. I don't know how to living without him in my life, by my side, protecting me from this hurt...instead of causing it.
I am in the middle of fourth period and I cannot help myself from crying. I don't like feeling this hallow emptiness. I don't like knowing that life has to go on without him. That I have to learn to live all over again while this isn't even affecting him or his life.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Day 2
So today is proving to be another extremely long day. Fourth period isnt even over yet and I have open house tonight. I am trying to force myself to stay busy and surrounded by things other than my thoughts. My stomach hurts so bad and I don't feel like eating anything. I just want to crawl back into my bed and cry. I don't understand. I don't know why things are happening like this.
Yesterday he was in my house for an undisclosed amount of time. When I was feeding Reeses I noticed that there were a lot more beers in the recycle bin. I looked in the fridge and there was a lot of beer missing from there too. Therefore he had to have come for quite a while to have gone through so many, and he probably took some home with him too. Why was he there? That is my house. He did this he isn't allowed to come in whenever he wants just because he still has the key. If he didn't want to leave then he shouldn't have. He cannot have it both ways though. He cannot break my heart and come in whenever he wants. That isn't fair to me.
I spent the entire lunch hysterical. 32 minutes of just straight blubbering. I am sure that if the door had been unlocked and somebody had walked in I would have been quite the sight. I am having trouble functioning normally. I don't understand what is going on or what to do. I feel like fundamental truths are caving in on me and I have somewhat lost my identity in this whole mess. I don't know how I am going to keep going but I know that it has to happen.
Yesterday he was in my house for an undisclosed amount of time. When I was feeding Reeses I noticed that there were a lot more beers in the recycle bin. I looked in the fridge and there was a lot of beer missing from there too. Therefore he had to have come for quite a while to have gone through so many, and he probably took some home with him too. Why was he there? That is my house. He did this he isn't allowed to come in whenever he wants just because he still has the key. If he didn't want to leave then he shouldn't have. He cannot have it both ways though. He cannot break my heart and come in whenever he wants. That isn't fair to me.
I spent the entire lunch hysterical. 32 minutes of just straight blubbering. I am sure that if the door had been unlocked and somebody had walked in I would have been quite the sight. I am having trouble functioning normally. I don't understand what is going on or what to do. I feel like fundamental truths are caving in on me and I have somewhat lost my identity in this whole mess. I don't know how I am going to keep going but I know that it has to happen.
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