Thursday, April 2, 2009

Day 3

Today has started off kind of rough. It hurts to breathe and it is very difficult to do so as well. I think the hardest part about the whole process is that I don't want to create a new me. I liked where I was and what I was doing. I enjoyed having him in my life everyday and I enjoyed being held in his arms. I know that there are fundamentally many things that were wrong. I realize that this is going on for a reason and will probably bring me much happiness later but right now it hurts so bad that it is hard to breathe. I don't know how I am going to get through the days or how I am going to survive the times that I am not working incessantly. The last few days have only gone this smoothly because I worked so much. What happens when I have all day to just sit and think? What happens when nobody is going to be around and I am alone again. I hurt at the thought of it. My heart breaks and I can't do anything but cry.

Why does this not hurt him like it hurts me? Why am I left her to suffer alone? Does he lie awake at night thinking about me and knowing that we cannot be together? Does he cry over the lost love and friendship that we will never have back? Does it hurt him to breathe? to get our of bed? To continue on with life like nothing is the matter? Does he not have an appetite? Is he lonely and suffering the way that I am? When he breathes do his sides ache with the pain of loneliness and fear of the lost love? Why was I not good enough? Why did he never love me the same way that I loved him? How am I supposed to go on living like the most important part of my life was not just ripped from me?

It honestly feels like I have lost a limb and can no longer function. I don't know how to living without him in my life, by my side, protecting me from this hurt...instead of causing it.

I am in the middle of fourth period and I cannot help myself from crying. I don't like feeling this hallow emptiness. I don't like knowing that life has to go on without him. That I have to learn to live all over again while this isn't even affecting him or his life.

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