Lazy Saturday Afternoon

Sleeping in til 8 was awesome. I mean my alarm does go off every morning at 5 so three more hours is very significant. I love sleeping in. I love it more when I get to spend the entire thing doing whatever I want and enjoying it. Yet today...I have to go to work. I am sure that it will not be that painful but then again...the joy of doing nothing is always fantastic. I think I am going to go running...

This is going to be me in my marathon in November...except with a little bit more clothing and a little less foofy...if you know what I mean

Feeling it

There are seriously times that I truly hate being a girl. It seems strange though. The reasons I hate being a girl are not the same today as they usually are; usually I hate being a girl because of the lovely gift we endure once a month, but that isn't the problem right now. Right now I hate being a girl because we are such emotional creatures. I mean seriously think about, we become attached. Not only are we attached to the individuals that we really like but we also become attached to ideas and ethereal things that have no tangible quality.

I am currently attached to an idea. An idea that is so cozy and warm. One that keep you safe and surrounds you with the warm fuzzies of comfort. I mean I know that this idea can be true and has been true but I appear to be hanging on to the comfort of what once was instead of what can be again. It is difficult for me to let go even though I know it is the best thing for me to do...

An ethereal ocean of nonexistence...that is where I am currently swimming...

It is really over

It is somewhat strange when you realize that things you hold on to are actually gone. Things that you want to last forever have slipped away. That is what happened to me last night. Something that I fundamentally knew was gone is now reaffirmed as being completely gone...Jt and I are over. We are over and we are never going to be a couple again. It is really hard to realize this so fully. I mean I know that we were broken up but I honestly think that I was holding out for us to get back together. I think that my breath was holding in my chest for the hope that maybe this was all just a bad dream and things would go back to normal soon...that isn't going to happen. I know it isn't going to happen. We are never going to get back together. It is a pretty painful realization...

...we are over...over over.

Counting Down

So the end of the year is fast approaching. It is amazing to me how quickly the year can pass without me realizing it. Last year I had the problem that it seemed like the year was dragging on for eternity. I think that had to do with the fact that I was trying to finish my masters and teacher my first year at the same time. It amazes me that I was actually able to make it through. I have only 17 school days left of the year. Interestingly enough I am actually going to take one of those days off work too. So as of today I only have 16 more days of work before summer comes! That is the most fabulous news I have heard in a while! I love it!

Although school is almost over, this is probably the hardest part of the year because the students get so squirrelly that it is hard to accomplish anything. Some teachers will use this as an excuse not to be productive; I use it as a reason to crack down. I want my students to know that my class lasts all the way through the last day and there will be no breaks because honestly when they get into the work force there are not going to be breaks all the time like they get now! I know that this makes my students think that I am not friendly and I am too strict...my response to that "suck it up!"

As far as things go in my relationship life...well even if I tried to explain it, it wouldn't make any sense so lets just leave it at that.

Addictions are Bad

It is strange the type of things that we allow ourselves to indulge in that we are know are actually bad for us. I mean we all do it to some extent: sleeping too much, drinking alcohol, being lazy, procrastinating, and of course falling in love with the wrong people. I am a classic example of this last one...however I have taken it a step farther.

not only did I fall in love with somebody that I shouldn't have...I can't make myself quit him. I mean in my head it completely makes sense. In my head I know that I should be moving forward and forgetting about all the "good" things that we had before. I know that I need to move on and allow myself to find love with another individual but my heart honestly doesn't want to let go regardless of how much it makes sense.

Learning to grow up and be mature is not easy. I wonder if I will ever make it there...I need to make it there are quit this addiction that is my ex...

Getting Over It

This has been my heart for the last month.

This past couple weeks have been pretty hard. I am trying to get over a few things in my life that are a bit hard hitting. I need to get over the boy that I love beyond all reason. It is seriously the most painful thing I have ever tried to do...even after having 6 surgeries in two years. This is the type of pain that hits deep into the soul and leaves bruises behind for a long time...I don't like it. I don't like hurting and crying and knowing that I love somebody well more than they love me. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why doesn't he love me? Between the falling apart of my job and the decimation of my most intimate relationship it is hard for me to want to get out of bed in the morning.

Diane told me I need to cut off all communication. I need to ask him to stop texting, stop calling and get my key back for my apartment. It hurts so bad. The mere idea of it is heart wrenching and painful. I know that I need to do it. I know that I need to fix things in my life so that I can get back on my feet and move on...it is just the scarriest thing I have ever done. I don't know how to breath right now. I am scared.

I want what is best for me but I have to put my big boy pants on and do it. I need to open my heart to mending.

Birthdays

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She is 49. The day before was Kristen's birthday. She is 27. Two days before that was VaVoo's birthday. He is 70. That was a lot of celebrating and a lot of really good filling meals. I might just pop from having 3 huge dinners in 3 days. They certainly were good though.

At Mama's birthday dinner it was only Mom, Dad, Diane and me. It was a lot of fun until Diane felt the need to start giving me the break up talk. She made me cry. I know that what she is saying is true but honestly I cannot bring myself to do it. I don't want to stop talking to him and cut him off. I need to do it though. We are going to a Giant's game on 17 May...after that I seriously need to consider ending it...completely.