Star Testing

So for the past two weeks we have been star testing. I hate star testing. Not only does it require me to get here by at least 7:30 (i usually don't get to work til at least 8 because I don't teach first period) but it also means that I must stare at kids for several hours every day as they sit and take a test. This really isn't much fun. I mean at least when I am teaching they are entertaining enough to keep me interested; when they are testing they are just sitting there doing "nothing" for so long that I want to fall asleep, and since we are not allowed to read or grade papers it sucks a whole lot. THANKFULLY, today was the last day of testing and now my life will go back to normal.

I am tired. I don't feel well. Yesterday I got really sick but with a lot of sleep I feel a bit better. I just wish I could sleep more. I like sleep. Sleep likes me. We have an amazing affair every once in a while. I wish it was more often...but alas.

Decision Making

It is difficult being at a point in my life where I have to start making serious decisions. I don't like making big decisions. I don't like having to make those decisions that are really going to be making a huge difference in my life. I need to find where I am going in my life and how I am going to get there. I am thinking strongly that maybe teaching is not what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I am starting to think that maybe I need to be looking into other areas of interest. Strangely enough I would really like to try my hand at writing. I am not sure I will be able to do it but I would like to try.

I also have to decide what I am going to do with my personal relationships. I am no longer in a relationship and I know that it is for the best but I have to figure out what I am going to do now. Now don't get me wrong, I never thought that my life would be over if Jt and I were no longer one...but then I also never thought that Jt and I were going to stop being Jt and me. I think when you come to these moments in your life it is really a make or break moment...so I guess that is the true question and decision that I have to make: am I going to make it or break it?

I want to succeed but I am also afraid of taking the big risks that I think are going to be vital to achieving the ultimate happiness that I know I want...

A New Week...A New Me

I have been trying to figure out how to live my life now that it has changed so intensely so rapidly. I have come to realize that although something I loved beyond all reason is over it doesn't mean everything else is over. I know that there are still going to be some insanely hard days and I am sure that I am going to cry a few more times but honestly I think I can do this...well at least I am trying to be optimistic about doing this.

Today start testing started at my lovely school. Now most of us, teachers that is, HATE star testing with a vehement passion! It is seriously the most boring waste of time ever! We are not supposed to read, grade work, lesson plan or anything while we are observing/administering the star test. It is really quite stupid we are supposed to literally stare at students who are taking a test. It is stupid. However I think they are doing it a little differently this year; I only had to worry about star testing for an hour today. At 8:40 I was done with the testing and because I don't teach first period I have a nice long break until 10:24...I thought this was pretty cool. Almost 2 hours before I am technically responsible for any students. YES!

On a completely different note: I am ready Eat, Pray, Love right now. I honestly think that this book is what is helping me the most in this search for healing. I don't exactly know what it is doing to my brain and me but I do know that with everything I read I think of a new thing that could help either Jt or me. Through reading I have been able to adopt some perspective and in so doing a few ideas that are not too shabby as to what might help us. I don't mean that I will be moving to Italy, India or Indonesia any time soon (some of her experiences sound absolutely awful to be honest...who would want to live in India for four months where they had to get up at 3:30 in the morning and don't get to go to bed till at least 9:00 at nigt...not me! I like sleeping) However, I do believe that there are some things she does that I need to do in order to help me heal my soul as well as myself. I have a feeling that the more I read this book the better and better I am going to feel. I also know that as I learn to accept these things and heal my heart I will be in a better situation to be loved by somebody the way that I love them...something that was seriously missing from my last relationship.

Crying

I have been crying for an insanely large number of hours. I think I have been crying straight for about 7 hours now. I know that there has been ten minutes here or there that I was not crying but as a whole...no I have been a tear laden mess. I have hit is again. I have hit the bottom of the bottom and I cannot help but sit here and cry mercilessly.

Why did I do it? Why did I open myself up again after I said I wouldn't? All I did was open myself up for heartache and misery. I don't think love actually exists. If it did truly exist nobody would be sitting here feeling the way I feel. Nobody would hurt this much after falling in love.

I wish I could take it back. I wish i could take back all of the time, effort, kindness, laughter and love I ever felt for him. I wish it would all just disappear and the world would go back to the way it was before my heart was broken into a trillion million tiny pieces for the second time. I wish it would all go away back to before it ever existed, back before I was hurt...again.

Living a Rollercoaster

Right now my life is nothing but a rollercoaster. I can be fine one minutes and hysterical the next. I have been doing a good job lately but today I just feel drained and crushed. I honestly feel like my entire resolve to be strong is just gone. I really just want to sit and cry and I am not exactly sure why. I have been doing so well and then I hit a wall like this where I really just want to curl up and cry without having to move again. I don't know how to be strong and I am not sure exactly how to get through this.

I want to reverse time and get back to the moment before all this pain started. I want to freeze it right there and never move again. I can be stopped in time and that would be ok with me. I just don't want to hurt like this forever.

I don't want to sit here alone crying. it hurts and I don't like it.

Moving Forward

After a long talk we decided that we are both going to try. I am going to try moving on and taking care of myself; however it is going to be a hard battle because I am also going to be helping him overcome some of his obstacles. I know that this is going to be hard for both of us. It is also going to make us a whole lot stronger, not only as individuals but also as a couple...a couple of really good friends trying to help each other succeed during difficult times. We have made a few rules to help us accomplish this. We are going to avoid any intimacies of any kind. I think this is actually going to be the hardest part. I mean when you are so drawn to the other person it is difficult to keep the distance.

Although it is going to be difficult it needs to happen. We both need some healing. It is very different healing but it is still very necessary.

Spring Break

This is honestly the best time I have had in a really long time. I honestly sleep in til whenever I want, unless of course a boy sends you a text message in which case you wake up and can't go back to sleep....it WAS 9:30 though so it wasn't like it was early or anything. Once I finally get up I tend to watch some TV as I work out. It is actually quite lovely. I can use my wii to work out as I watch anything i want. It allows me to be entertained and avoid the annoying music that goes along with some of the wii workouts. After I have worked out for quite a while I tend to have a little lunch, shower and get ready for my day. The first few days of break I have had to work job #2 for a few hours. It isn't particularly that bad but it also makes me get out of the house and go somewhere...otherwise I am sure I would while away the hours reading books and watching TV...generally doing nothing.

I haven't figured out what is going on with that boy and I yet but I actually feel strangely ok with where we are. Yesterday at work I only had one student so I wrote a letter to him. It was pretty much everything I thought about the whole situation, even down to knowing that I can find happiness else where if that is the choice that we make. I am not delusional. I know that if everything does not work out with Jt I will be happy later. I know that I can find somebody else that I will love and want to be with...the stupid part is that right now I don't really want to go down that road. I don't know what is going on. I know the logical thing to do. I know what any safe and normal person would do but then I am afraid that if I take the safe road I will constantly look back and say "what if?" I don't want to do that. I might be being a baby about the whole thing but I do love him. I do want to be with him forever. I just need to know that he isn't going to freak out a few months from now...I need to know that I am not in danger of getting hurt all the time. I don't like it when he makes me cry and I don't want to cry anymore. I am confused.

Well correction: I am not confused I know what I want. I just don't know if I am going to be able to get it.