Star Testing

So for the past two weeks we have been star testing. I hate star testing. Not only does it require me to get here by at least 7:30 (i usually don't get to work til at least 8 because I don't teach first period) but it also means that I must stare at kids for several hours every day as they sit and take a test. This really isn't much fun. I mean at least when I am teaching they are entertaining enough to keep me interested; when they are testing they are just sitting there doing "nothing" for so long that I want to fall asleep, and since we are not allowed to read or grade papers it sucks a whole lot. THANKFULLY, today was the last day of testing and now my life will go back to normal.

I am tired. I don't feel well. Yesterday I got really sick but with a lot of sleep I feel a bit better. I just wish I could sleep more. I like sleep. Sleep likes me. We have an amazing affair every once in a while. I wish it was more often...but alas.

Decision Making

It is difficult being at a point in my life where I have to start making serious decisions. I don't like making big decisions. I don't like having to make those decisions that are really going to be making a huge difference in my life. I need to find where I am going in my life and how I am going to get there. I am thinking strongly that maybe teaching is not what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I am starting to think that maybe I need to be looking into other areas of interest. Strangely enough I would really like to try my hand at writing. I am not sure I will be able to do it but I would like to try.

I also have to decide what I am going to do with my personal relationships. I am no longer in a relationship and I know that it is for the best but I have to figure out what I am going to do now. Now don't get me wrong, I never thought that my life would be over if Jt and I were no longer one...but then I also never thought that Jt and I were going to stop being Jt and me. I think when you come to these moments in your life it is really a make or break moment...so I guess that is the true question and decision that I have to make: am I going to make it or break it?

I want to succeed but I am also afraid of taking the big risks that I think are going to be vital to achieving the ultimate happiness that I know I want...

A New Week...A New Me

I have been trying to figure out how to live my life now that it has changed so intensely so rapidly. I have come to realize that although something I loved beyond all reason is over it doesn't mean everything else is over. I know that there are still going to be some insanely hard days and I am sure that I am going to cry a few more times but honestly I think I can do this...well at least I am trying to be optimistic about doing this.

Today start testing started at my lovely school. Now most of us, teachers that is, HATE star testing with a vehement passion! It is seriously the most boring waste of time ever! We are not supposed to read, grade work, lesson plan or anything while we are observing/administering the star test. It is really quite stupid we are supposed to literally stare at students who are taking a test. It is stupid. However I think they are doing it a little differently this year; I only had to worry about star testing for an hour today. At 8:40 I was done with the testing and because I don't teach first period I have a nice long break until 10:24...I thought this was pretty cool. Almost 2 hours before I am technically responsible for any students. YES!

On a completely different note: I am ready Eat, Pray, Love right now. I honestly think that this book is what is helping me the most in this search for healing. I don't exactly know what it is doing to my brain and me but I do know that with everything I read I think of a new thing that could help either Jt or me. Through reading I have been able to adopt some perspective and in so doing a few ideas that are not too shabby as to what might help us. I don't mean that I will be moving to Italy, India or Indonesia any time soon (some of her experiences sound absolutely awful to be honest...who would want to live in India for four months where they had to get up at 3:30 in the morning and don't get to go to bed till at least 9:00 at nigt...not me! I like sleeping) However, I do believe that there are some things she does that I need to do in order to help me heal my soul as well as myself. I have a feeling that the more I read this book the better and better I am going to feel. I also know that as I learn to accept these things and heal my heart I will be in a better situation to be loved by somebody the way that I love them...something that was seriously missing from my last relationship.

Crying

I have been crying for an insanely large number of hours. I think I have been crying straight for about 7 hours now. I know that there has been ten minutes here or there that I was not crying but as a whole...no I have been a tear laden mess. I have hit is again. I have hit the bottom of the bottom and I cannot help but sit here and cry mercilessly.

Why did I do it? Why did I open myself up again after I said I wouldn't? All I did was open myself up for heartache and misery. I don't think love actually exists. If it did truly exist nobody would be sitting here feeling the way I feel. Nobody would hurt this much after falling in love.

I wish I could take it back. I wish i could take back all of the time, effort, kindness, laughter and love I ever felt for him. I wish it would all just disappear and the world would go back to the way it was before my heart was broken into a trillion million tiny pieces for the second time. I wish it would all go away back to before it ever existed, back before I was hurt...again.

Living a Rollercoaster

Right now my life is nothing but a rollercoaster. I can be fine one minutes and hysterical the next. I have been doing a good job lately but today I just feel drained and crushed. I honestly feel like my entire resolve to be strong is just gone. I really just want to sit and cry and I am not exactly sure why. I have been doing so well and then I hit a wall like this where I really just want to curl up and cry without having to move again. I don't know how to be strong and I am not sure exactly how to get through this.

I want to reverse time and get back to the moment before all this pain started. I want to freeze it right there and never move again. I can be stopped in time and that would be ok with me. I just don't want to hurt like this forever.

I don't want to sit here alone crying. it hurts and I don't like it.

Moving Forward

After a long talk we decided that we are both going to try. I am going to try moving on and taking care of myself; however it is going to be a hard battle because I am also going to be helping him overcome some of his obstacles. I know that this is going to be hard for both of us. It is also going to make us a whole lot stronger, not only as individuals but also as a couple...a couple of really good friends trying to help each other succeed during difficult times. We have made a few rules to help us accomplish this. We are going to avoid any intimacies of any kind. I think this is actually going to be the hardest part. I mean when you are so drawn to the other person it is difficult to keep the distance.

Although it is going to be difficult it needs to happen. We both need some healing. It is very different healing but it is still very necessary.

Spring Break

This is honestly the best time I have had in a really long time. I honestly sleep in til whenever I want, unless of course a boy sends you a text message in which case you wake up and can't go back to sleep....it WAS 9:30 though so it wasn't like it was early or anything. Once I finally get up I tend to watch some TV as I work out. It is actually quite lovely. I can use my wii to work out as I watch anything i want. It allows me to be entertained and avoid the annoying music that goes along with some of the wii workouts. After I have worked out for quite a while I tend to have a little lunch, shower and get ready for my day. The first few days of break I have had to work job #2 for a few hours. It isn't particularly that bad but it also makes me get out of the house and go somewhere...otherwise I am sure I would while away the hours reading books and watching TV...generally doing nothing.

I haven't figured out what is going on with that boy and I yet but I actually feel strangely ok with where we are. Yesterday at work I only had one student so I wrote a letter to him. It was pretty much everything I thought about the whole situation, even down to knowing that I can find happiness else where if that is the choice that we make. I am not delusional. I know that if everything does not work out with Jt I will be happy later. I know that I can find somebody else that I will love and want to be with...the stupid part is that right now I don't really want to go down that road. I don't know what is going on. I know the logical thing to do. I know what any safe and normal person would do but then I am afraid that if I take the safe road I will constantly look back and say "what if?" I don't want to do that. I might be being a baby about the whole thing but I do love him. I do want to be with him forever. I just need to know that he isn't going to freak out a few months from now...I need to know that I am not in danger of getting hurt all the time. I don't like it when he makes me cry and I don't want to cry anymore. I am confused.

Well correction: I am not confused I know what I want. I just don't know if I am going to be able to get it.

...

Although very enjoyable...also probably very stupid...ugh.

More Tears...Beginning Again

My heart has been broken again and again and this time is feels like it almost cut off the rest of me. We are trying to be friends and I am trying to help him get to a place where we can have a healthy relationship. However, in so doing it breaks my heart that I have to be strong and keep us as just friends so he can try to heal. It is almost like learning to breathe all over again...every day. Today we talked a lot and he said that everything I was saying made a lot of sense. It is strange though because it also made me cry. I realized that if I am going to do this for real it is really going to hurt. I am setting myself up for some of the worst pain in the entire world.

If you have ever seen The Holiday you know the pain that I am talking about. This is the pain that Kate Winslet puts herself through every time her illfitted man returns. The pain that says you cannot say no regarddless of how much it hurts you to say yes. i feel that I am going to be Kate. I am going to be the stupid girl that will do anything to be with him and see him happy, all the while I am getting my heart torn out about every 15 minutes. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the girl that is crying incessantly. I think that I need to crawl into a hole and figure out how to take back myself. I need to figure out how to stop loving him. I love him so much and all it is bringing me is heart ache over and over again. How do you learn to stop loving somebody that you don't want to stop loving? I am glad that I am helping him learn and understand himself but I am afraid that I will lose myself in the process.

I don't want to be lost and I don't want to be crying...

Around in Circles.

I feel like a lot of what I am doing right now is walking around in circles confused. I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous but it is true. I have decided to be strong about some things but that strength is fleeting and the help I need is not working so well. I love a boy. A boy loves me. Boy needs to change if we are going to have a chance. How do you stay away when you love a boy and a boy loves you?

I am a bit lost.

Recycle Yoursel: Donate Blood

So I have a really long day today. First I had a safety meeting at 7 this morning. That is right, I actually had to get out of my house no later than 6:30 am in order to make it to a pointless meeting by 7. It was very difficult to do I am not going to lie. I really just wanted to stay in my bed. Once I got here the meeting was only 20 minutes long anyways and it isn't like we discussed anything worth while anyways. What I waste of good sleeping time.

Since I was already here early and I had made copies of all of my tests yesterday I decided to participate in the school blood drive. Now I have mixed feelings about blood drives. I think that it is good to donate blood because it helps save lives and the forth but dude. I feel like the phlebodimsits need to be better trained or something because honestly the stabbing around in the arm for 45 minutes is not much fun. Thankfully I got a relatively skilled technician this time and was only stabbed a few times instead of the usual 500. Unfortunately, they were not prepared for me to be the first patient (due to my first period prep) and thus I did not spend the requisite 15 minutes in the little food grotto before leaving to teach my second period class.

The rest of my day is packed too. I have to finish teaching (which wont be bad because I have five classes: 3 of them have tests and the other 2 are continuing to watch a movie...hopefully this means I will get some grading done), pick up some cheesecake, shower and get dressed up at the parentals, move a ton of furniture from my classroom and host the murder mystery dessert we are having tonight at 7:30. I wont get home til at least 10:30. It is going to suck. Then I have to work 2 jobs tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it...

...what I am looking forward to is Friday, my first day of Spring Break!! I am going to sleep in and enjoy the wonder that is not working! :) It is going to be lovely! And since things are ok with my best friend I wont even have that stress to bum me out...ahh I am living the good life.

(on a completely unrelated note, kind of, school is almost out! Life is very nice to me right now)

Let them eat Cake

So one of my colleagues is also going through a break up from his significant other. He told one of his classes about the break up he was going through. Today in class one of his students brought him a cake. He thought I too would appreciate this cake and therefore he sent me an email with a picture of the cake. He figured that this cake would also bring me a smile. I post it here now for you...it really is a very cute cake. I wish I had received one as well.

Last Night: A Wild Roller Coaster of Events

Last night was one of those nights that you only see in movies. It was honestly like I was living an out of body experience. At first it was strange becuase I went to work and was hit with the most intense prespective ever. It was like I grew up and I don't know how it happened. After gaining this intense perspective I went to prom. That is right ladies and gentlemen I got dressed and went to prom to chaporone the craziness that is.

While I was there I talked to a colleague of mine that I greatly admire and respect. This individual is actually one of the people I would like to most be like in my life. He carries himself with such utmost dignity that is astounds me. While I was talking to him he mentioned that he had heard about my situation through the grapevine. He said he was getting ready to move back to Davis this coming weekend. I inquired why and he told me for similar reasons. We began talking about our different situations and had a fabulous and enlightening time about the differences. He told me that his break up had started back in December so they had been through absolutely every conversation about it possible. When I explained ther I got no explanation at all he agreed with Amber when she said that I deserved an explanation after having been together for so long. That was the moment I decided that it was it, I had to get answers and I had to call him out.

So that is exactly what I did. After I got home from the prom I went over and I called him at. It was a fabulously intense conversation and everything that I thought was true really was. I don't real feel comfrotable listing everything that we talked about here and it really was a personal conversation. Basically we both decided that being best friends is what we need and we both need something more. We are in a great place for our relationship and I know that we are going to be fabulous friends for the rest of our lives. Maybe if we both figure things out and we both make some changes we can be more. But he is not what I need right now and I need to move away from being in love with him and move toward loving him as my best friend.

I have a feeling that we are going to become Will and Grace...sans him being gay of course :)

Simple Words

I just read a quote, "surely for everything you love you have to pay some price" ~ Agatha Christie. And then of course there is the well known quote, "If you love it let it go and if it comes back then it is yours, if it doesn't it never was." Strangely enough these quotes are somewhat comforting. I mean i have been crying for a while now this evening and I have been in physical pain for days but for some reason these simple words make me feel a little bit better. Now lets not get crazy I am still very very hurt and upset about the situation, but still...a little bit better.

Day 3

Today has started off kind of rough. It hurts to breathe and it is very difficult to do so as well. I think the hardest part about the whole process is that I don't want to create a new me. I liked where I was and what I was doing. I enjoyed having him in my life everyday and I enjoyed being held in his arms. I know that there are fundamentally many things that were wrong. I realize that this is going on for a reason and will probably bring me much happiness later but right now it hurts so bad that it is hard to breathe. I don't know how I am going to get through the days or how I am going to survive the times that I am not working incessantly. The last few days have only gone this smoothly because I worked so much. What happens when I have all day to just sit and think? What happens when nobody is going to be around and I am alone again. I hurt at the thought of it. My heart breaks and I can't do anything but cry.

Why does this not hurt him like it hurts me? Why am I left her to suffer alone? Does he lie awake at night thinking about me and knowing that we cannot be together? Does he cry over the lost love and friendship that we will never have back? Does it hurt him to breathe? to get our of bed? To continue on with life like nothing is the matter? Does he not have an appetite? Is he lonely and suffering the way that I am? When he breathes do his sides ache with the pain of loneliness and fear of the lost love? Why was I not good enough? Why did he never love me the same way that I loved him? How am I supposed to go on living like the most important part of my life was not just ripped from me?

It honestly feels like I have lost a limb and can no longer function. I don't know how to living without him in my life, by my side, protecting me from this hurt...instead of causing it.

I am in the middle of fourth period and I cannot help myself from crying. I don't like feeling this hallow emptiness. I don't like knowing that life has to go on without him. That I have to learn to live all over again while this isn't even affecting him or his life.

Day 2

So today is proving to be another extremely long day. Fourth period isnt even over yet and I have open house tonight. I am trying to force myself to stay busy and surrounded by things other than my thoughts. My stomach hurts so bad and I don't feel like eating anything. I just want to crawl back into my bed and cry. I don't understand. I don't know why things are happening like this.

Yesterday he was in my house for an undisclosed amount of time. When I was feeding Reeses I noticed that there were a lot more beers in the recycle bin. I looked in the fridge and there was a lot of beer missing from there too. Therefore he had to have come for quite a while to have gone through so many, and he probably took some home with him too. Why was he there? That is my house. He did this he isn't allowed to come in whenever he wants just because he still has the key. If he didn't want to leave then he shouldn't have. He cannot have it both ways though. He cannot break my heart and come in whenever he wants. That isn't fair to me.

I spent the entire lunch hysterical. 32 minutes of just straight blubbering. I am sure that if the door had been unlocked and somebody had walked in I would have been quite the sight. I am having trouble functioning normally. I don't understand what is going on or what to do. I feel like fundamental truths are caving in on me and I have somewhat lost my identity in this whole mess. I don't know how I am going to keep going but I know that it has to happen.