Wednesday, April 8, 2009

More Tears...Beginning Again

My heart has been broken again and again and this time is feels like it almost cut off the rest of me. We are trying to be friends and I am trying to help him get to a place where we can have a healthy relationship. However, in so doing it breaks my heart that I have to be strong and keep us as just friends so he can try to heal. It is almost like learning to breathe all over again...every day. Today we talked a lot and he said that everything I was saying made a lot of sense. It is strange though because it also made me cry. I realized that if I am going to do this for real it is really going to hurt. I am setting myself up for some of the worst pain in the entire world.

If you have ever seen The Holiday you know the pain that I am talking about. This is the pain that Kate Winslet puts herself through every time her illfitted man returns. The pain that says you cannot say no regarddless of how much it hurts you to say yes. i feel that I am going to be Kate. I am going to be the stupid girl that will do anything to be with him and see him happy, all the while I am getting my heart torn out about every 15 minutes. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the girl that is crying incessantly. I think that I need to crawl into a hole and figure out how to take back myself. I need to figure out how to stop loving him. I love him so much and all it is bringing me is heart ache over and over again. How do you learn to stop loving somebody that you don't want to stop loving? I am glad that I am helping him learn and understand himself but I am afraid that I will lose myself in the process.

I don't want to be lost and I don't want to be crying...

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