Christmas Break

Christmas break means so much to me. I love staying up late and sleeping in the same. I enjoy the time I have to golf and rearrange the furniture in my room. Spend hours doing laundry and just being me with my favorite boy. There is nothing like a relaxing time at home with no cares and no expectations. Days and weeks like this should happen more often.

Classes before Break

yeah that pretty much sums it up...

Hot Glue

So I have been working on prop construction for a while now. This means that I have to gather all the pieces, make the appropriate changes, assemble the final product and test to make sure it doesn't fall apart later. Lately I have been working on a mountain climbers axe that is supposed to be impaled into somebodies head. This is what I came up with:



When you wear it the axe looks as though it is stuck in the scalp...however if you didn't notice this is a battle axe, not a mountain climbers axe...do you think it matters that much?

**ps I will try to post a picture of the student wearing it a little later...

Dinner with Parents

So every time I have a show opening at Vanden it becomes a highly stressful and work filled time. This is one of those weeks. The other thing that happens a lot is that I ask my parents for various props and costume pieces that I need and I know they have. Well today is no different from any of these other days. I am headed to my parents house this evening for dinner and prop collection.

I like having dinner with my parents. My mom cooks so well and it means that I get a free meal.

p.s. I finished week 4 today. my ipod died and I had to make it up as I went along. I think I ran longer than I needed to. YES!

I slept in...

....until 1 o'clock...

Week 4

So I have been doing a work out routine that is called couch to 5K in 9 weeks. I am currently in week 4. I started week 4 on Wednesday. I seriously thought I was going to die. I am not kidding. I thought it was going to be one of those things were I wouldn't make it back to work and they would find my body lying face down on the side of Farmington road. Well today was another running day (it is every other day for 3 running sessions and then you bump up to the next week) and it was not as bad at Wednesday. I am not going to lie though. I still had a really hard time getting through the work out.

oh I am tired...I am done writing now...sorry to be a bit of a tease without a real update...

Teaching High School

This is probably one of the dumbest things I have ever willingly signed up for. I teach high school. That is right. I teach a group of individuals that already know everything, are smarter than I am, extremely cooler than I will ever be, are never wrong and always have a pleasant demeanor and attitude.

Everyday I leave my house around 6:30 am. I brave the morning traffic and 45 minute drive to get to work. I teach a single class. I then have a 4 hour break where I go to work out and shower at my parents house. I come back to school to run a theatre rehearsal and then teach 2 more classes. I have another theatre rehearsal and then leave to go to another job. This other job changes depending on the day. It is finally time to go home and I walk through the door at about 7:30 pm on the early days.

I work very hard and then I get a paycheck at the end of the month. I analyzed this paycheck and realize they took literally half of my paycheck for taxes. That is what I said HALF!

It is crazy. It isn't much fun. I am tired.

Pain in the neck...literally

So yesterday morning I woke up with a severe pain in my head and neck. Nothing I did all day would help aleviate the pain. When I got home I took some drugs that helped me go to sleep hoping that this morning I would be ok. Not so much, I still have a horrendous pain and my head still hurts a lot.

UGH.

Battle lost but not the WAR!

So today was the first time I have run in a while due to the wonder that is my freaking insanely busy life. It was a good run. I threw in an extra mile to see if I could accomplish the seemingly impossible. I am happy to say that I completed all 3 miles but I would have to say that this was a win for the run because it seriously kicked my butt. I was so tired by the time I was done that I thought I was going to die. It was as though every once of my being was sucked out due to exhaustion. I am now really tired. Yet, I made it through.

Halloween was the most fun I have ever had at a party. It was awesome! When we got there it was already packed. We only knew one other person at the party but we played games, enjoyed new experiences, observed costumes, laughed and talked with random individuals. I am not going to lie...I was REALLY paying for it on Sunday morning too when I thought my head might just explode and my feet might just fall off...I had an amazing evening out with my chicken.

Halloween

So my Halloween was one of those things that was filled with the good, the bad and the ugly.

The good:

I went to the best party ever. We had a ton of fun and there were a lot of people. I really enjoyed all the fun costumes, lively atmosphere, music, dancing, games, drinks and experiences. It was probably the most fun I have ever had at an adult party. I really had a great time.

The bad:

I had to work for the first part of the afternoon, evening and night so I missed out on the beginning of the partying hours. I showed up late and therefore a lot of time was lost and it was hard making up the ground in the beginning.

The ugly:

The current state of the Little Theatre...dude it is bad. In serious need of some cleaning and scrubbing.

Substitute Teacher

So I have a break in my day that is 4 hours long. During this break I am often at my parent's house working out and then showering, having lunch and then returning to school.

Well today I am a substitute teacher which means that I am working literally ALL day long from 7:30 in the morning to 6:00 tonight. That is 10 and a half hours of literal straight work. Not the figurative work that I do most other days. I also don't get to work out because I will be making sure kids don't burn down buildings and attempt to do some work. I have already had to take away 2 electronic devices because they are not allowed on campus during school hours. I currently have a student glaring at me because I took away his ipod at the beginning of the period. I am pretty sure he is playing with his phone now...apparently he doesn't learn very quickly.

Oh well. This is really easy work for a quite a bit more pay.

I am tired. This weekend is going to be rad though.

Fire Alarm

As we are all well aware the current state of weather is torrential down pour. It is raining heavy and steady.

This is the setting that somebody used to be funny and pull the fire alarm. That is right. This means that we have to evacuate.

My class ran out to their evacuation zone. we stood in the ran for 5 minutes. we were allowed back in. In that amount of time it was enough to make me more than soaked. My pants are literally drenched and my hair is now dripping down my back. I don't get to go home until 7:00 tonight...this is going to be fun soaking wet.

Week One

I Have finished week one of my new running program. I was so tired today and didn't want to run at all. I thought I was going to die every minute of it, but I finished. I ran the whole thing for the 3 days with doing other physical activities on the off days. I am tired but also excited that I get to move on to week 2 on Wed after another rest day.

I need to prepare for my CAHSEE prep class that I am going to start teaching now. Enjoy your day :)

Working out

So one of things that I have been doing lately is working out. I used to work out every day when I was in college. It always made me feel great and I loved the adrenaline in my system. I have started a new system where I am working out everyday. Some days are a whole lot harder than others. I started a new running program that I am doing just about every other day. I cannot do it every day because it is intense and there has to be a "rest" day between sessions. During my rest day yesterday I decided to do an ab routine. This was really hard. I did "Abs of Steel". Let me tell you. If I am dedicated enough to do this on a regular basis I am pretty sure I really will have abs of steel. The title does not lie. I was really really sore last night and then this morning I thought I was going to die if I had to move my back in the slightest. After today's run I am feeling a lot better. I really like working out. I hope that if I keep this up and seriously stay dedicated to it I will be able to lose some weight, inches and regret.

I know that this is something that I can do and I am hoping that I continue telling myself that every day. Day 3 went well. Despite the fact that I wanted my run to do itself I got out there and I am really glad I did. I feel great.

Very Tired

So I did not sleep very well last night due to being back in my own bed. I am used to my parent's wonderful temperpedic bed that forms to your body and is all nice and squishy...my bed is really hard by comparison. I had to get up early this morning to make it to work on time. Personally I would have much rather stayed in bed and enjoyed the wonder that is sleeping.

I am trying to move on. I am trying to talk to more guys and see where things take me. I am a little scared though. I want to continue to be friends with Jt and I don't want to hurt him when I go out on a date. I know he would do it to me but I have a feeling that I bounce back better than he does. The only problem is that I am afraid of guys and meeting new people is not always fun and easy.

breathe Brittney. just breathe and do it...

Broken Heart

Do you know those moments when you can just feel your heart breaking? When you realize that you care so much about somebody but they are destroying you at the same time? It was almost like that.

I think as individuals we get into these self destructive modes where we say things that we don't necessarily mean. Where we do things that are not really the way we want things to come out. I feel like something has happened to make us stray so far off course that the anger we feel for other people and other situations plays against those people that mean the most to us. I fear that there are things that are said that were not meant. I fear that the damage is un-mendable. When are we going to forget about our hostilities to others and just be us with us?

Yesterday was a bad day. It was one of those days that you hope was just a dream when you wake up in the morning...I woke up this morning and nothing can take away the things that were said, the pain that is caused, or the anxiety that it leaves.

are we over?

Another day, another exhaustion

So I am beyond tired. I am tired of my 12-13 hour days and the way that I am so tired by the time I get home from work. I am tired of having a stupid break in the middle of the day that causes me anxiety if I leave and makes me feel worthless if I stay. Things need to change...

My life has this interesting way of imploding every once in a while. If the powers that be decide my life is too cozy they tend to through monkey wrenches at me just to see if I can juggle. It is strange. I guess it always keeps me on my toes...but it also always makes me go through these lulls of extreme exhaustion and feelings of inadequacies.

I know that things need to change. I need to find a way to release a lot of my stress and place it else where. I need to let go of those things that are causing me pain and attempt to bring into my life those things that are good and helpful.

I am making changes. I have just come to realize that making these changes can be a very lonely business...

looking forward

This is one of those times that there is so much going on that I just want to fast forward to a better place and time.

it is also a time where I look around and realize how many friends I don't have because they have left...I am down to my last one :(

how does one make friends? how does one make friends when they are juggling 4 jobs?

UC Davis Medical System

So I am an unhappy member of the UC Davis Medical System. I got to experience the wonder that is yesterday....

So some idiot in Stockton decided it was a good idea to run from the cops and create a huge car chase. This happened in the dead of night Monday/Tuesday morning. Around 2:00 am the car chase ended in a cop being pinned between two cars and open gun fire ringing through the night air on the off ramp of Laguna Blvd. I-5 south in Elk Grove.

Jump forward to my doctor appointment Tuesday midmorning (11:30) where I need to travel down I-5 south to Laguna Blvd. and get to my appointment...but oh wait I can't because the exit is closed for investigations. Alright...so now I have to drive all the way down Florin Blvd. to hit highway 99 and then cut south on 99 to Laguna Blvd. and drive from that direction. Therefore, I am late. When I walk into the doctor office it is 11:40. I go to check in. She makes a phone call to the back and says I cannot check in until they call her back and I need to have a seat. I sit. She recieves the call back and the verdict "You are going to have to reschedule." You have got to be kidding me! I cannot reschedule! I have already taken the whole afternoon off work for this! "I am sorry let me get somebody that you can talk to."

Other lady emerges from the back room. "I am sorry ma'am but you are going to have to reschedule because we have a policy that if you are 15 minutes late we move on to the next appointment and therefore the doctor is already with the next patient." I wasn't fifteen minutes late. I was only ten minutes late because somebody decided to shoot at the cops and they closed your freeway exit. How was I supposed to get here any quicker? "leave earlier" Are you kidding me this is ridiculous. I cannot reschedule. I have to be seen. "Let me go talk to the doctor and see what I can do"

"The doctor has another appointment at 1:00 pm in Folsom and if he doesn't leave then he will be late." Then let me see a different doctor I have never met this guy anyways. "I am sorry but the other GI doctor is out until October." Of course he is.

I reschedule..."August 31 is the soonest we can get you in at 1:45" No, I am a teacher and cannot get days off whenever I feel like it. I have to be seen sooner than that. "There are no appointments sooner than that." What about Saturday. I can come in on a Saturday. "We are closed Saturdays." Well then you better open huh. "I am sorry we cannot do that. How about a 3:30 on August 31st? Is that better?" Actually no but I guess I don't really have a choice do I? So the fact that I was ten minutes late means you are refusing to see me but the fact that you have been dragging this out for a year doesn't seem to bother you? Or that you change my appointments constantly becuase you feel like whether it is convient for me or not? Or perhaps that it takes over four months to get a procedure done...none of this matters but me being ten minutes late seems to mean that I am ruining your whole system?!?!

This is assinine!!!

I will be seen on August 31st at 3:30...and this doctor WILL get a piece of my mind!

Beginnning another year.

It is the start of yet another year. I was actually excited to come back to work seeing as home I had such an awful beyond awful summer. Yesterday was the first day with students. I am only part time (60%= 3 classes) and I am teaching drama all day long. I had my dr. appt. yesterday so I didn't even teach my full 3 classes. By the looks of the students coming in during 6th period...it is going to be a long year...I have to start teaching again soon. I will post more later.

ps. I am moving into my new place tomorrow!

The Mystery Within

So a little over a week ago on the 15th of July, I was at work. I excused myself from my student and went to the bathroom and proceeded to get very very sick. After my first student left I tried to eat something to see if that would help. I finally got somebody to cover the rest of my shift and went home. Over the course of the following week I could not keep anything down, food, liquids or otherwise. After 3 straight days of vomiting I decided to go to the ER. Jt drove me to the ER at 9:30pm. We were finally called back at 12:45am and proceeded to stay there until 5:30am. After nine hours in the ER, having been stabbed 5 times to try and get an IV, and a plethora of medications for nausea and pain they had determined nothing.

Two more days of vomiting enduced a trip to my regular doctor. He gave me another shot of nausea medication, another bag of fluids and insisted that I get in to get the upper endoscopy that I was supposed to get months ago asap. I called to schedule the test the following day. Thankfully they had a cancellation for yesterday at 2:30pm. Jt was able to rearrange his work schedule so he could drive me to Elk Grove to get this test. After getting another IV (2 more stabbings) they knocked me out. I was given a mouth block thing so that I would not chomp down on the camera and they then navigated a camera down my throat into my stomach. I was semi-conscienous for the whole thing which was really uncomfortable. After it was over and Jt was back in the room (I would not have remembered the conversations had they just told me) they pronounced that I had a HUGE mystery lump in my stomach. While they were in there they grabbed out samples to biopsy but they also wanted to send me for a CT scan. The Dr. is not sure whether this lump is growing inside my stomach or outside and pushing the stomach wall in. For a doctors office that took 3 months to schedule my initial tests (and then cancel them) they were able to get me in to a CT scan very quickly. I have a scan set up for Monday afternoon. Apparently if they feel you have a life threatening sickness they speed up the tests a lot and make appointments out of nowhere.

Next week is going to be busy. Not only do I find out about my scans and the mystery lump but I also find out if I get the new job with Natomas Charter school. We will see. Keep me in your good thoughts please.

Time Continuing to Move

Life right now is very strange. I have made a million plans to prevent my current state. I have educated myself and put in the training necessary in order to procur a stable job. I actually thought "there will always be dumb people that need educating therefore being a teacher is a smart idea!" Boy was I wrong. I never imagined a budget crisis that would put hundreds of teachers out of work. I have sent out over 40 resumes to various schools and other jobs and yet I am still without employment. This is seriously frustrating. I have been offered the possibility of working as a ranch hand on a friend's ranch in Redding. This sounds like it would be hard work but ultimately very stress free and relaxing. I might actually take this into consideration.

I have no place to live still. August 16th marks my last day of housing and the first day of homelessness. I could find a new apartment but without a job I doubt that I will be much of an asset in any apartment complex. I also don't want to get an apartment somewhere and find that it is a couple hours away from the job I am eventually given. This is a highly stressful sensation, knowing that things will ultimately work out but not knowing how, when or where.

I just hope that it works out soon and I am not left in a state of uncretainty for much longer.

I have a second interview with Natomas Charter School...hopefully it goes well.

The 4th of July...a Day to Remember

Yesterday was amazing beyond amazing!

In the morning I decided to clean the kitchen and in so doing i found 3 bananas that had been forgotten about...hating throwing food away (especially when I am poor)...I decided to make banana bread. I have never made banana bread so it was a new adventure and seriously the easiest thing I have ever made. The bread turned out great! I think that this will actually be something i continue to do in the future.

After bread I went to play golf with Jt. We were able to get a full round in because absolutely nobody was on the golf course and we never had to wait once or hurry up because people were behind us...it was awesome! While we were golfing I was able fix my swing with a little help from the Jt and then I had the best round ever! I even birdied 4! It was fabulous.

Once we were done golfing the sun was almost completely down and so we went to the driving range to hit some balls and wait for the fireworks. While we were there we played with the fireworks we had bought in Woodland because I have never played with fireworks. I know it is miraculous but true. We were never allowed to get any when I was a kid. They are the coolest things I have ever experienced. I really love fire! :)

Our night ended with a lot of bangs and laughter. By the time we got home it was almost midnight. I slept so well. I did not get up until noon! It was fabulous!

Interview Process

So I seriously despise the interview process. I mean seriously who thought this up? You have to get prepared days ahead of time through research and getting everything compiled in order to have your resources: resume, references, letters of rec, transcripts, credentials, list of productions, lesson portfolio, production portfolio...blah blah blah. Seriously the list just goes on and on. Once all this is in place you must obviously get up (usually earlier than you want to), make yourself overly dressed and presentable and then you have to try and make yourself sound freaking perfect without lying about your flaws. Ugh. I feel like a circus monkey.

"Hello program coordinator Tammy...I am Brittney the circus monkey. I would like to work here"

Back

So I am back from Europe and I have been home for almost a week. I like being home because I tend to miss my fuzzies, my bed, and my best friend.

Since I have been back a lot has happened: I am still unemployed and have recieved the official letter now (and it is not even pink!), I have been trying to increase my hours at job 2 to try and figure something out while applying at a million real jobs and hearing nothing, my computer is currently broken so I have to go elsewhere to do anything, I have been given the opportunity to golf a few times already, my debit card information got stolen and then maxed out, I washed and vaccumed my car, my best friend/ex is going on a date with a member of the skank squad (I am just hoping he doesn't get sucked in and become one of their spawns), OH YEAH and I am now homeless....fantastic day.

Europe

Today I leave for Europe for 10 days. I am super super excited! I cannot wait to have a fabulous time. I know you are all jealous but I have only seen Europe on a Map so I REALLY want to go. I promise to bring back pictures and post many. Have a good week and a half in the states without me!

Brit

P.s. This is what my tour looks like:

I am REALLY REALLY excited!

Blind Date take 2

Okay so because I freaked out about the last one I told myself I at least had to go on the next one...so I did. I had a blind date tonight. Now when I first walk in there are a few things I notice:

• A. He doesn't understand the whole "Marco" "polo" thing...you know when you are looking for someone and you say "Marco" and they are supposed to reply with "polo"... well when I texted with the "Marco" I got nothing...seriously lame!

• 2. He was not completely unfortunate looking but seriously not attractive either. I am honestly not trying to be mean but seriously folks...check out the picture (I know he is looking down but you get the idea)

• D. He was an awful conversationalist! I mean he went on for over 20 minutes about various linguistic things...I don't care! Boring...talk about something more interesting maybe!

• LASTLY: Here is the real catcher! He asked if my parents were still together (yes) and proceeded to say "wow that is really strange" (ok divorce is a growing epidemic that is fine) "Divorce is a growing wave in my country all because woman have more choices now and can make more decisions." (wait...WHAT?!? Are you seriously blaming divorce on women?) "It is always going to happen because people grow differently." (yes that is why you want to wait and find somebody that grows with you so you can grow together) "That is not possible because everybody is different. You will never find anybody that will grow with you."

So in the nutshell that was my date. It sucked...badly. I walked out of there yawning from boredom (and because he didn't want to meet til really late) and offended by his views of women and marriage...ugh. dating sucks.

WICKED, Finals, Gloriana and Freedom

Today is the last day of the school year. In exactly 14 minutes I will be free from work for an entire 3 months...or longer depending on how the pink slip notes go. This week has been absolutely hectic. I have been trying to get everything done and get some sleep on the basis that I was so tired I thought I was going to die...let me start at the beginning.

Sunday night I went to WICKED! I loved it! Of course I have seen it before but it was still wonderful. I had dinner down the street at a fabulous steak house grill. It was wonderful. I went with my mom and her best friend Diane. The only down side were the extremely gay two young boys sitting next to me that were talking and singing through the entire thing. They were very annoying. However the show itself it just wonderful and they did an awesome job!

This week has been finals. At the beginning of the week I thought I was going to die because there was SO much work to be done. I was behind on my grading and I still needed to get everything organized for finals. It was crazy. Although it was insane, I was able to make it through. Now I just have to do graduation tonight and I am done.

Monday night (after WICKED on Sunday) I went to a private concert by Gloriana. This is a brand new country group and they are actually pretty good. I won the opportunity to go see them on the radio and I got to take one guest and we ate amazing food from Morton's steak house in Sacramento and then watched them perform a few songs. They were really good...here are some photos of our seats.



The bell has rung...I am now free :)

Blind Date Update

I didn't go. I backed out, stayed home and drank...A LOT. I don't remember what happened last night. I feel awful right now. I feel like I am going to hurl...and yet I am at work.

Ugh I don't feel good.

A Blind Date...

So I have a friend that has a endless supply of flowers and cute stuffed animals on her car at work. I asked her why she gets so many dates and lovin'...she told me Match.com. She said that it is an awesome place and that everyone should try it. After a particularly intense conversation with Jt I decided that I would try it...in my skeptical state I decided that I would give it one month and see what happens. Within a few hours I had people looking at my profile and asking me out. I am really nervous becuase I now have a blind date with some random guy. We are going to coffee tonight at 7.

I have planted a couple friends to conviently show up in the same place around the same time so that incase it is awful beyond all reason I can get out...I know that is pretty childish of me but honestly I don't particularly want to go. I would much rather stay home with my puppy dog and kitty dogs...with the potential of seeing the guy that I still love...the one I am not allowed to love, the one I am trying to get over by doing this...

ugh. Rocks and hard places are really not fun.

Budget Crisis

An email I received at work:

Here is what I’ve been told:

• The Board will meet 6/09/09 and determine layoffs
• Classes sizes will go to 38-1 next year
• There is very little chance of teachers coming back from initial layoffs in March
• Vanden will be cutting 6 FTE. Mathematically it works out to 6.6 FTE
• English will lose over one FTE. Math will lose over one FTE. Science will lose over one FTE. Social Science will lose about one FTE. I’m not sure where the other cuts will come.
• Visual Arts will go to 34-1
• Career Tech will go to 30-1
• English 38-1 (This translates into over 1 FTE layoff. Keep in mind Golden West is slated to lose 4-5 FTE total)
• Foreign Language will go to 38-1
• Math will go to 38-1
• Physical Ed will go to 50-1
• Science will go to 32-1
• Social Science will go to 38-1
• Health will go to 38-1

The district is planning to purchase furniture

Golden West will be forced to eliminate 4-5 FTE

Tech is not scheduled for reductions

Questions that were not answered:

Can the district support 4 levels of language at Vanden?

What else will be cut?

It is unclear who will lose their job since bumping rights come into play. Teachers with more time in Travis may move from other school sites into jobs at Vanden. Senior members of our department understand this process more than I do.

A response from a co-worker:

Here are some ideas being contemplated around the nation in order to preserve core programs and class sizes. These are not my recommendations, but they are things I’ve read about when mammoth budget cuts hit. They aren’t pretty, but I can see how other districts are trying to keep cuts as far away from the classroom as possible. That might not be too bad of an idea. I’m certain our trusty leadership is looking into alternate ways to avert such a catastrophic degradation of learning conditions.

(1) Axe sports. The kids can play in a city league. Or they can fundraise to make their sports happen.

(2) Eliminate district office clerical staff. If teachers have no secretaries, why do administrators get so many of them?

(3) Eliminate standardized testing. It costs the state a ton of money. It's a luxury for when we have money.

(4) On the days there would've been testing, furlough everyone in the district and reduce their pay by that amount.

(5) Charge students and parents for things not required by ed-code (lab fees, art fees, bus fees, parking fees).

(6) Add minutes to each school day in order to eliminate a day or two from the calendar. Those days will save on electricity, busses, etc.

(7) Get rid of career/college counselors. Kids can research on their own online.

(8) Eliminate libraries. Make the kids go to the county and city libraries.

(9) Increase class sizes to 25 per teacher in K-3, an in-between number.

(10) Sell ad space (on student handouts, lockers, desktops) to local and national businesses.

(11) Merge districts. Companies merge to save on overhead and corporate office expenses. It's streamlining.

(12) Eliminate campus monitors, yard duty supervisors. Call 911 when there's a fight or an injury.

(13) Do not hire consultants or lawyers for the district. Delay these expenses until there is money.

(14) Rent land and facilities. Schools sit empty at night, on weekends, and during the summer. Rent the space out to another group. The gyms can become health clubs when not being used.

It doesn't look good for me. I wont know anything definite for a while but it honestly doesn't look good.

Working out

So I have been trying to work out more consistently...It pretty much sucks because instead of losing weight...I have actually gained weight...ugh I hate you working out and getting nothing.

My Tub Tub

http://twlol.com/tw/?v1-133743

Stop it!

I really need to stop watching shows where people are in love and proclaiming that love to each other...seriously

One of those days...

so today has been one of those days that you are completely unproductive and feel like crap about yourself. I should not take these days off because yeah the sleeping in it great but the not doing anything all day long and beginning to feel like crap about yourself sucks bad. So there was that going for me today and then I made the mistake of looking at my bank account...yay 10 whole dollars! I am rolling in the wealth now! The crappiest part about this whole thing is that the morning was starting out so well and I was going to be $225 richer...and then they told me it would cost $175 to tow the car so therefore I cancelled it all and came home and have been here completely unproductive the rest of the day...seriously lame.

I did go to the store and use the last of my money to buy a few groceries...hopefully they will last me for 2 weeks. I have a feeling they will for I am smart girl and bought things that I could use...ugh I really look forward to the day that money is not a issue and I can live comfortably. That day will come right?

Lazy Saturday Afternoon

Sleeping in til 8 was awesome. I mean my alarm does go off every morning at 5 so three more hours is very significant. I love sleeping in. I love it more when I get to spend the entire thing doing whatever I want and enjoying it. Yet today...I have to go to work. I am sure that it will not be that painful but then again...the joy of doing nothing is always fantastic. I think I am going to go running...

This is going to be me in my marathon in November...except with a little bit more clothing and a little less foofy...if you know what I mean

Feeling it

There are seriously times that I truly hate being a girl. It seems strange though. The reasons I hate being a girl are not the same today as they usually are; usually I hate being a girl because of the lovely gift we endure once a month, but that isn't the problem right now. Right now I hate being a girl because we are such emotional creatures. I mean seriously think about, we become attached. Not only are we attached to the individuals that we really like but we also become attached to ideas and ethereal things that have no tangible quality.

I am currently attached to an idea. An idea that is so cozy and warm. One that keep you safe and surrounds you with the warm fuzzies of comfort. I mean I know that this idea can be true and has been true but I appear to be hanging on to the comfort of what once was instead of what can be again. It is difficult for me to let go even though I know it is the best thing for me to do...

An ethereal ocean of nonexistence...that is where I am currently swimming...

It is really over

It is somewhat strange when you realize that things you hold on to are actually gone. Things that you want to last forever have slipped away. That is what happened to me last night. Something that I fundamentally knew was gone is now reaffirmed as being completely gone...Jt and I are over. We are over and we are never going to be a couple again. It is really hard to realize this so fully. I mean I know that we were broken up but I honestly think that I was holding out for us to get back together. I think that my breath was holding in my chest for the hope that maybe this was all just a bad dream and things would go back to normal soon...that isn't going to happen. I know it isn't going to happen. We are never going to get back together. It is a pretty painful realization...

...we are over...over over.

Counting Down

So the end of the year is fast approaching. It is amazing to me how quickly the year can pass without me realizing it. Last year I had the problem that it seemed like the year was dragging on for eternity. I think that had to do with the fact that I was trying to finish my masters and teacher my first year at the same time. It amazes me that I was actually able to make it through. I have only 17 school days left of the year. Interestingly enough I am actually going to take one of those days off work too. So as of today I only have 16 more days of work before summer comes! That is the most fabulous news I have heard in a while! I love it!

Although school is almost over, this is probably the hardest part of the year because the students get so squirrelly that it is hard to accomplish anything. Some teachers will use this as an excuse not to be productive; I use it as a reason to crack down. I want my students to know that my class lasts all the way through the last day and there will be no breaks because honestly when they get into the work force there are not going to be breaks all the time like they get now! I know that this makes my students think that I am not friendly and I am too strict...my response to that "suck it up!"

As far as things go in my relationship life...well even if I tried to explain it, it wouldn't make any sense so lets just leave it at that.

Addictions are Bad

It is strange the type of things that we allow ourselves to indulge in that we are know are actually bad for us. I mean we all do it to some extent: sleeping too much, drinking alcohol, being lazy, procrastinating, and of course falling in love with the wrong people. I am a classic example of this last one...however I have taken it a step farther.

not only did I fall in love with somebody that I shouldn't have...I can't make myself quit him. I mean in my head it completely makes sense. In my head I know that I should be moving forward and forgetting about all the "good" things that we had before. I know that I need to move on and allow myself to find love with another individual but my heart honestly doesn't want to let go regardless of how much it makes sense.

Learning to grow up and be mature is not easy. I wonder if I will ever make it there...I need to make it there are quit this addiction that is my ex...

Getting Over It

This has been my heart for the last month.

This past couple weeks have been pretty hard. I am trying to get over a few things in my life that are a bit hard hitting. I need to get over the boy that I love beyond all reason. It is seriously the most painful thing I have ever tried to do...even after having 6 surgeries in two years. This is the type of pain that hits deep into the soul and leaves bruises behind for a long time...I don't like it. I don't like hurting and crying and knowing that I love somebody well more than they love me. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me? Why doesn't he love me? Between the falling apart of my job and the decimation of my most intimate relationship it is hard for me to want to get out of bed in the morning.

Diane told me I need to cut off all communication. I need to ask him to stop texting, stop calling and get my key back for my apartment. It hurts so bad. The mere idea of it is heart wrenching and painful. I know that I need to do it. I know that I need to fix things in my life so that I can get back on my feet and move on...it is just the scarriest thing I have ever done. I don't know how to breath right now. I am scared.

I want what is best for me but I have to put my big boy pants on and do it. I need to open my heart to mending.

Birthdays

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She is 49. The day before was Kristen's birthday. She is 27. Two days before that was VaVoo's birthday. He is 70. That was a lot of celebrating and a lot of really good filling meals. I might just pop from having 3 huge dinners in 3 days. They certainly were good though.

At Mama's birthday dinner it was only Mom, Dad, Diane and me. It was a lot of fun until Diane felt the need to start giving me the break up talk. She made me cry. I know that what she is saying is true but honestly I cannot bring myself to do it. I don't want to stop talking to him and cut him off. I need to do it though. We are going to a Giant's game on 17 May...after that I seriously need to consider ending it...completely.

Star Testing

So for the past two weeks we have been star testing. I hate star testing. Not only does it require me to get here by at least 7:30 (i usually don't get to work til at least 8 because I don't teach first period) but it also means that I must stare at kids for several hours every day as they sit and take a test. This really isn't much fun. I mean at least when I am teaching they are entertaining enough to keep me interested; when they are testing they are just sitting there doing "nothing" for so long that I want to fall asleep, and since we are not allowed to read or grade papers it sucks a whole lot. THANKFULLY, today was the last day of testing and now my life will go back to normal.

I am tired. I don't feel well. Yesterday I got really sick but with a lot of sleep I feel a bit better. I just wish I could sleep more. I like sleep. Sleep likes me. We have an amazing affair every once in a while. I wish it was more often...but alas.

Decision Making

It is difficult being at a point in my life where I have to start making serious decisions. I don't like making big decisions. I don't like having to make those decisions that are really going to be making a huge difference in my life. I need to find where I am going in my life and how I am going to get there. I am thinking strongly that maybe teaching is not what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I am starting to think that maybe I need to be looking into other areas of interest. Strangely enough I would really like to try my hand at writing. I am not sure I will be able to do it but I would like to try.

I also have to decide what I am going to do with my personal relationships. I am no longer in a relationship and I know that it is for the best but I have to figure out what I am going to do now. Now don't get me wrong, I never thought that my life would be over if Jt and I were no longer one...but then I also never thought that Jt and I were going to stop being Jt and me. I think when you come to these moments in your life it is really a make or break moment...so I guess that is the true question and decision that I have to make: am I going to make it or break it?

I want to succeed but I am also afraid of taking the big risks that I think are going to be vital to achieving the ultimate happiness that I know I want...

A New Week...A New Me

I have been trying to figure out how to live my life now that it has changed so intensely so rapidly. I have come to realize that although something I loved beyond all reason is over it doesn't mean everything else is over. I know that there are still going to be some insanely hard days and I am sure that I am going to cry a few more times but honestly I think I can do this...well at least I am trying to be optimistic about doing this.

Today start testing started at my lovely school. Now most of us, teachers that is, HATE star testing with a vehement passion! It is seriously the most boring waste of time ever! We are not supposed to read, grade work, lesson plan or anything while we are observing/administering the star test. It is really quite stupid we are supposed to literally stare at students who are taking a test. It is stupid. However I think they are doing it a little differently this year; I only had to worry about star testing for an hour today. At 8:40 I was done with the testing and because I don't teach first period I have a nice long break until 10:24...I thought this was pretty cool. Almost 2 hours before I am technically responsible for any students. YES!

On a completely different note: I am ready Eat, Pray, Love right now. I honestly think that this book is what is helping me the most in this search for healing. I don't exactly know what it is doing to my brain and me but I do know that with everything I read I think of a new thing that could help either Jt or me. Through reading I have been able to adopt some perspective and in so doing a few ideas that are not too shabby as to what might help us. I don't mean that I will be moving to Italy, India or Indonesia any time soon (some of her experiences sound absolutely awful to be honest...who would want to live in India for four months where they had to get up at 3:30 in the morning and don't get to go to bed till at least 9:00 at nigt...not me! I like sleeping) However, I do believe that there are some things she does that I need to do in order to help me heal my soul as well as myself. I have a feeling that the more I read this book the better and better I am going to feel. I also know that as I learn to accept these things and heal my heart I will be in a better situation to be loved by somebody the way that I love them...something that was seriously missing from my last relationship.

Crying

I have been crying for an insanely large number of hours. I think I have been crying straight for about 7 hours now. I know that there has been ten minutes here or there that I was not crying but as a whole...no I have been a tear laden mess. I have hit is again. I have hit the bottom of the bottom and I cannot help but sit here and cry mercilessly.

Why did I do it? Why did I open myself up again after I said I wouldn't? All I did was open myself up for heartache and misery. I don't think love actually exists. If it did truly exist nobody would be sitting here feeling the way I feel. Nobody would hurt this much after falling in love.

I wish I could take it back. I wish i could take back all of the time, effort, kindness, laughter and love I ever felt for him. I wish it would all just disappear and the world would go back to the way it was before my heart was broken into a trillion million tiny pieces for the second time. I wish it would all go away back to before it ever existed, back before I was hurt...again.

Living a Rollercoaster

Right now my life is nothing but a rollercoaster. I can be fine one minutes and hysterical the next. I have been doing a good job lately but today I just feel drained and crushed. I honestly feel like my entire resolve to be strong is just gone. I really just want to sit and cry and I am not exactly sure why. I have been doing so well and then I hit a wall like this where I really just want to curl up and cry without having to move again. I don't know how to be strong and I am not sure exactly how to get through this.

I want to reverse time and get back to the moment before all this pain started. I want to freeze it right there and never move again. I can be stopped in time and that would be ok with me. I just don't want to hurt like this forever.

I don't want to sit here alone crying. it hurts and I don't like it.

Moving Forward

After a long talk we decided that we are both going to try. I am going to try moving on and taking care of myself; however it is going to be a hard battle because I am also going to be helping him overcome some of his obstacles. I know that this is going to be hard for both of us. It is also going to make us a whole lot stronger, not only as individuals but also as a couple...a couple of really good friends trying to help each other succeed during difficult times. We have made a few rules to help us accomplish this. We are going to avoid any intimacies of any kind. I think this is actually going to be the hardest part. I mean when you are so drawn to the other person it is difficult to keep the distance.

Although it is going to be difficult it needs to happen. We both need some healing. It is very different healing but it is still very necessary.

Spring Break

This is honestly the best time I have had in a really long time. I honestly sleep in til whenever I want, unless of course a boy sends you a text message in which case you wake up and can't go back to sleep....it WAS 9:30 though so it wasn't like it was early or anything. Once I finally get up I tend to watch some TV as I work out. It is actually quite lovely. I can use my wii to work out as I watch anything i want. It allows me to be entertained and avoid the annoying music that goes along with some of the wii workouts. After I have worked out for quite a while I tend to have a little lunch, shower and get ready for my day. The first few days of break I have had to work job #2 for a few hours. It isn't particularly that bad but it also makes me get out of the house and go somewhere...otherwise I am sure I would while away the hours reading books and watching TV...generally doing nothing.

I haven't figured out what is going on with that boy and I yet but I actually feel strangely ok with where we are. Yesterday at work I only had one student so I wrote a letter to him. It was pretty much everything I thought about the whole situation, even down to knowing that I can find happiness else where if that is the choice that we make. I am not delusional. I know that if everything does not work out with Jt I will be happy later. I know that I can find somebody else that I will love and want to be with...the stupid part is that right now I don't really want to go down that road. I don't know what is going on. I know the logical thing to do. I know what any safe and normal person would do but then I am afraid that if I take the safe road I will constantly look back and say "what if?" I don't want to do that. I might be being a baby about the whole thing but I do love him. I do want to be with him forever. I just need to know that he isn't going to freak out a few months from now...I need to know that I am not in danger of getting hurt all the time. I don't like it when he makes me cry and I don't want to cry anymore. I am confused.

Well correction: I am not confused I know what I want. I just don't know if I am going to be able to get it.

...

Although very enjoyable...also probably very stupid...ugh.

More Tears...Beginning Again

My heart has been broken again and again and this time is feels like it almost cut off the rest of me. We are trying to be friends and I am trying to help him get to a place where we can have a healthy relationship. However, in so doing it breaks my heart that I have to be strong and keep us as just friends so he can try to heal. It is almost like learning to breathe all over again...every day. Today we talked a lot and he said that everything I was saying made a lot of sense. It is strange though because it also made me cry. I realized that if I am going to do this for real it is really going to hurt. I am setting myself up for some of the worst pain in the entire world.

If you have ever seen The Holiday you know the pain that I am talking about. This is the pain that Kate Winslet puts herself through every time her illfitted man returns. The pain that says you cannot say no regarddless of how much it hurts you to say yes. i feel that I am going to be Kate. I am going to be the stupid girl that will do anything to be with him and see him happy, all the while I am getting my heart torn out about every 15 minutes. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the girl that is crying incessantly. I think that I need to crawl into a hole and figure out how to take back myself. I need to figure out how to stop loving him. I love him so much and all it is bringing me is heart ache over and over again. How do you learn to stop loving somebody that you don't want to stop loving? I am glad that I am helping him learn and understand himself but I am afraid that I will lose myself in the process.

I don't want to be lost and I don't want to be crying...

Around in Circles.

I feel like a lot of what I am doing right now is walking around in circles confused. I know that sounds somewhat ridiculous but it is true. I have decided to be strong about some things but that strength is fleeting and the help I need is not working so well. I love a boy. A boy loves me. Boy needs to change if we are going to have a chance. How do you stay away when you love a boy and a boy loves you?

I am a bit lost.

Recycle Yoursel: Donate Blood

So I have a really long day today. First I had a safety meeting at 7 this morning. That is right, I actually had to get out of my house no later than 6:30 am in order to make it to a pointless meeting by 7. It was very difficult to do I am not going to lie. I really just wanted to stay in my bed. Once I got here the meeting was only 20 minutes long anyways and it isn't like we discussed anything worth while anyways. What I waste of good sleeping time.

Since I was already here early and I had made copies of all of my tests yesterday I decided to participate in the school blood drive. Now I have mixed feelings about blood drives. I think that it is good to donate blood because it helps save lives and the forth but dude. I feel like the phlebodimsits need to be better trained or something because honestly the stabbing around in the arm for 45 minutes is not much fun. Thankfully I got a relatively skilled technician this time and was only stabbed a few times instead of the usual 500. Unfortunately, they were not prepared for me to be the first patient (due to my first period prep) and thus I did not spend the requisite 15 minutes in the little food grotto before leaving to teach my second period class.

The rest of my day is packed too. I have to finish teaching (which wont be bad because I have five classes: 3 of them have tests and the other 2 are continuing to watch a movie...hopefully this means I will get some grading done), pick up some cheesecake, shower and get dressed up at the parentals, move a ton of furniture from my classroom and host the murder mystery dessert we are having tonight at 7:30. I wont get home til at least 10:30. It is going to suck. Then I have to work 2 jobs tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it...

...what I am looking forward to is Friday, my first day of Spring Break!! I am going to sleep in and enjoy the wonder that is not working! :) It is going to be lovely! And since things are ok with my best friend I wont even have that stress to bum me out...ahh I am living the good life.

(on a completely unrelated note, kind of, school is almost out! Life is very nice to me right now)

Let them eat Cake

So one of my colleagues is also going through a break up from his significant other. He told one of his classes about the break up he was going through. Today in class one of his students brought him a cake. He thought I too would appreciate this cake and therefore he sent me an email with a picture of the cake. He figured that this cake would also bring me a smile. I post it here now for you...it really is a very cute cake. I wish I had received one as well.

Last Night: A Wild Roller Coaster of Events

Last night was one of those nights that you only see in movies. It was honestly like I was living an out of body experience. At first it was strange becuase I went to work and was hit with the most intense prespective ever. It was like I grew up and I don't know how it happened. After gaining this intense perspective I went to prom. That is right ladies and gentlemen I got dressed and went to prom to chaporone the craziness that is.

While I was there I talked to a colleague of mine that I greatly admire and respect. This individual is actually one of the people I would like to most be like in my life. He carries himself with such utmost dignity that is astounds me. While I was talking to him he mentioned that he had heard about my situation through the grapevine. He said he was getting ready to move back to Davis this coming weekend. I inquired why and he told me for similar reasons. We began talking about our different situations and had a fabulous and enlightening time about the differences. He told me that his break up had started back in December so they had been through absolutely every conversation about it possible. When I explained ther I got no explanation at all he agreed with Amber when she said that I deserved an explanation after having been together for so long. That was the moment I decided that it was it, I had to get answers and I had to call him out.

So that is exactly what I did. After I got home from the prom I went over and I called him at. It was a fabulously intense conversation and everything that I thought was true really was. I don't real feel comfrotable listing everything that we talked about here and it really was a personal conversation. Basically we both decided that being best friends is what we need and we both need something more. We are in a great place for our relationship and I know that we are going to be fabulous friends for the rest of our lives. Maybe if we both figure things out and we both make some changes we can be more. But he is not what I need right now and I need to move away from being in love with him and move toward loving him as my best friend.

I have a feeling that we are going to become Will and Grace...sans him being gay of course :)

Simple Words

I just read a quote, "surely for everything you love you have to pay some price" ~ Agatha Christie. And then of course there is the well known quote, "If you love it let it go and if it comes back then it is yours, if it doesn't it never was." Strangely enough these quotes are somewhat comforting. I mean i have been crying for a while now this evening and I have been in physical pain for days but for some reason these simple words make me feel a little bit better. Now lets not get crazy I am still very very hurt and upset about the situation, but still...a little bit better.

Day 3

Today has started off kind of rough. It hurts to breathe and it is very difficult to do so as well. I think the hardest part about the whole process is that I don't want to create a new me. I liked where I was and what I was doing. I enjoyed having him in my life everyday and I enjoyed being held in his arms. I know that there are fundamentally many things that were wrong. I realize that this is going on for a reason and will probably bring me much happiness later but right now it hurts so bad that it is hard to breathe. I don't know how I am going to get through the days or how I am going to survive the times that I am not working incessantly. The last few days have only gone this smoothly because I worked so much. What happens when I have all day to just sit and think? What happens when nobody is going to be around and I am alone again. I hurt at the thought of it. My heart breaks and I can't do anything but cry.

Why does this not hurt him like it hurts me? Why am I left her to suffer alone? Does he lie awake at night thinking about me and knowing that we cannot be together? Does he cry over the lost love and friendship that we will never have back? Does it hurt him to breathe? to get our of bed? To continue on with life like nothing is the matter? Does he not have an appetite? Is he lonely and suffering the way that I am? When he breathes do his sides ache with the pain of loneliness and fear of the lost love? Why was I not good enough? Why did he never love me the same way that I loved him? How am I supposed to go on living like the most important part of my life was not just ripped from me?

It honestly feels like I have lost a limb and can no longer function. I don't know how to living without him in my life, by my side, protecting me from this hurt...instead of causing it.

I am in the middle of fourth period and I cannot help myself from crying. I don't like feeling this hallow emptiness. I don't like knowing that life has to go on without him. That I have to learn to live all over again while this isn't even affecting him or his life.

Day 2

So today is proving to be another extremely long day. Fourth period isnt even over yet and I have open house tonight. I am trying to force myself to stay busy and surrounded by things other than my thoughts. My stomach hurts so bad and I don't feel like eating anything. I just want to crawl back into my bed and cry. I don't understand. I don't know why things are happening like this.

Yesterday he was in my house for an undisclosed amount of time. When I was feeding Reeses I noticed that there were a lot more beers in the recycle bin. I looked in the fridge and there was a lot of beer missing from there too. Therefore he had to have come for quite a while to have gone through so many, and he probably took some home with him too. Why was he there? That is my house. He did this he isn't allowed to come in whenever he wants just because he still has the key. If he didn't want to leave then he shouldn't have. He cannot have it both ways though. He cannot break my heart and come in whenever he wants. That isn't fair to me.

I spent the entire lunch hysterical. 32 minutes of just straight blubbering. I am sure that if the door had been unlocked and somebody had walked in I would have been quite the sight. I am having trouble functioning normally. I don't understand what is going on or what to do. I feel like fundamental truths are caving in on me and I have somewhat lost my identity in this whole mess. I don't know how I am going to keep going but I know that it has to happen.

Day 1: Creating a New Me

Today was hard. There were parts of the day that I felt like I was going to implode and not be able to continue on. Thankfully I have made it to here. I have eaten about 4 bites since yesterday at lunch...well over 24 hours. I have cried well more than any human should be allowed to produce tears in such a limited space. I just feel awful. I am hoping that the days will get better but I know that it is going to be a long time until that happens. For now...I am going to keep moving forward and trying to occupy my time. It doesn't work very well becuase in less than the five minute passing period between classes I break down. I am a bit of a mess. I don't like feeling this way but I am pretty sure it is going to last for a while.

....

It is over. I can't breathe.

a HUGE step backwards

Every Sunday I read the postsecret website. On my computer I have actually created a folder of all the secrets that mean something to me in one form or another. It is interesting becuase if it touches me when I read the secret I will save it. Some of the secrets that I have saved so not mean as much to me now as I am guessing they once did. (As a side note, my big fat slinky grey cat, T0-mas, has just crawled into my lap and started purring making it infinitely harder to type.) While i was reading this weeks secrets I came accross this one:

As I read this picture it was obvious to me that in fact, none of my students would ever write something like this. My students seem to be on a completely different level. Then I started thinking about how I was as a student and I realized that I would never have to write something like because I was a really good student when I was in school. I could never even imagine talking to teachers in the same manner that these students talk to the teachers at school. It appals me the difference only a decade can make in society and the values we hold as individuals. It will never cease to amaze me that sometimes there are really big things done badly. I believe that one of those things is the way in which today's kids are allowed to treat adults. If I ever talked to an adult the way I get talked to now my mom would have slapped me so quickly. A decade is not a very long time but it makes a massive difference in so many ways.

Here is another postcard that was posted quite a while ago that I really enjoyed. I hope that some day the ideals that were once seen as common place, return for the benefit of all.

Waking up Refreshed

One of the things that I love is having a wonderful night sleep where you get to wake up at any time you want in the morning. Now granted this morning I was rudely awoken by a cat jumping at me from the outer reaches of the bed, but it was still a lovely night's rest. Luckily today I did not wake up to the same surprise that greated me yesterday morning.

Now granted this is not a picture of my exact mess, because I wake up at six in the morning and was not coherent enough to take a picture; however, you get the rough idea of what was accomplished. Some time in the middle of the night my cats thought it was going to be a good idea to destory the toilet paper in the bathroom. Needless to say, it makes using the remaining toilet paper quite difficult, and provides a nice mess to clean up as well.

This morning the only thing I woke up to was a bunch of stuff on the cedar chest being shoved off onto the floor so that the lovely feline could cozy itself down in the sheep skin covering...ahhh cats are just so cute :)

A couple hours later...

Apparently I was wrong. The cats did leave things for me to find...a hair ball they romved from the shower drain...in all its disgusting glory. Gag it is disgusting. Thanks kitty cats! you are such fantastic creatures.

Take it to the Matresses

So I called Richard out today. He is the main student that is really just making my life difficult. I told him that there is nothing I can do to prevent him from talking crap; however, if he is going to do it he might want to get his facts straight. First off, I have participated and performed in a variety of theatre settings. I have done community theatre, school theatre, professional theatre and private theatre. I have run the gamet when it comes to participating in a variety of theatre groups. Secondly, I do actually have a degree in the field I am teaching. This means that the University of California, Santa Barbara gave me a bachelor of arts in Dramatic Arts with an emphasis in Directing. This is not a minor. This is not merely participating in a few volunteer groups. I actually went through the entire course of study and passed my classes with grades that were high enough that I did not get kicked out of this extremely intense conservatory setting. By doing so, the bestowed a BA on me in a field that I am now teaching. Therefore, yes, I am qualified to be teaching this subject. Third, I have been participating in theatre since I was in the 4th grade, and since I am a bit older than you, I have been doing it for longer. Also, YOU are not more qualified than I am to be a director. Actually quite the contrary. You do not understand the magnitude of which the directing field emcompasses and you don't even know how to hold an audition let alone complete and entire show.

Now let me clarify a couple of things. Just because the above mentioned paragraph clearly shows that I am more accurately equiped to do my job than you are, does not mean that there is not room for learning and improvement. I thrive on the idea that I can continue to learn new techniques and become a better individual both in the classroom as well as on the stage. All I am saying is...

I did not rack up more than $130,000 in student loan debt to be treated this way by a 12 year old.

Moving On

So today was another one of those days that seriously make me question my job. It is like no matter what I do and how hard I try it is all for not. It is almost as if I cannot win this game. I can try a million things and the students are still going to be difficult, still going to be caddy and still going to talk crap about each other, other schools, projects, assignments and me. I don't feel as though I am actually making a difference. I don't feel as though my time is being well used and effective. I don't think that the students realize that their demeanor and actions have such a large impact on everybody around them.

I am having the most trouble with my seniors. the seniors have decided that I am pretty much worthless and so they are spreading these "facts" on to the younger classes. When I originally started the year I had over 40 freshmen that were super excited about theatre and learning new things. Now I don't have many at all. I want to create an atmosphere for students to be able to learn and grow, not just hang out and talk with there friend; they can do that at lunch. The problem is that the seniors are doing everything in their power to destroy the shine of the freshmen and bring them down.

I am over it. I am over teaching and I want to move on to something that I am seriously good at and wont be chastised for every six seconds by individuals that obviously don't know what they are talking about. Does a job like this actually exist? Is is possible to find a place that is so securely my own that I will not feel the wrath of those that are far less qualified but obviously more vocal? I sit here and I wonder...is teaching really the profession for me? Should I move on to something that is more suited for my nature?

Can I just be a student for the rest of my life? Is that allowed?